For those of you who aren’t too familiar with Walter’s exploits, I’ll sum up why he’s classy in the next few paragraphs. Don’t worry, there will be pictures for you illiterate Jersey trash.
Reason 1: Canadian power trio
Walter loves him some Rush. Alex Lifeson, Neal Peart, and Geddy Lee really rev his engine. I know what you’re thinking - who doesn’t love a smack of Xanadu across the forehead? Everybody loves Rush. It’s Uncanadian not to. However, Walter’s love of Rush exceeds the occasional “It’s Rush!” text message. His love of Rush is such that he gets excited enough to call me an tell me to buy Rock Band just to play Tom Sawyer. Little does he know that ART and I are planning to start a Tom Sawyer cover band. With real instruments.
Reason 2: Publicly blowing Charlie Weis
As any good
Reason 3: India
Everyone wants to travel extensively in their life. A lot of people see travel as a bonus when it’s part of their job. Getting a raise to do so is always nice. It’s a great bargaining chip when you point out the lack of modern living as a way to get more money. Walter himself once told me “When I go I’m pretty sure I’m gonna lose 20 pounds from the heat and from shitting my brains out all day”. The classiest part is the fact that he still hasn’t had to go, after 7 months on the job. Way to finagle more money for nothing you jerk. At least whenever you go, you might get to meet her.
Reason 4: KG
No, he’s not Kevin Garnett. He’s the one, the only Kentucky Gentleman. What’s KG? Just piss poor whiskey. When Walter gets too much in him, he morphs into his alter ego, the Shaftmaster*. In attempts to win beer pong matches, Scrotes McGee is known to expose himself as a defensive move. Think the Statue of Liberty play, adapted for beer pong. And including shaft. Pretty much looks like this:
The shot was too far into the video, but search franks and beans on YouTube if you want to laugh for a while. So not only is he competitive, but he’s pretty much a serial flasher. Classy.
So In summation, Walter is classy as hell. I’d love for you all to share your stories about Walter if you have any more in the comments section. Happy Birthday you son of a bitch. Have a pint of the Gent for me. Here’s a song:
Note: I can't believe Shaftmaster.com isn't porn.