Monday, June 30, 2008
Friday, June 27, 2008
Spain comes into the Euro 2008 championship game having finally shed the title of biennial first round or quarterfinal flameout and will be looking to add only their second ever major tournament title (Euro ’64).
Based on a quick Google image search of their fans:
Thursday, June 26, 2008
I know what you're thinking - how is this different from a celebrity releasing an album and hoping it does well based on their popularity? Well, to begin with athletes are just cooler. It'd be a hell of a lot more fun to hang out with someone like Jon Daly than Johnny Depp any day of the week. They get paid as much, but they get to play games for a living. The American Dream is playing sports for a living (or inventing something dumb like the drop ceiling) and getting rich. If you have the extra cash laying around, why not make an album?
Here's a few reasons why sports albums are
1) ESPN pushes the fact that they have an album and shove it down our throats - especially if they're from Boston or New York.
Bronson Arroyo plays the guitar. He recorded an album after the Sox won their first recent Series. According to Wikipedia one song on his album was a collaboration with Johnny Damon, Kevin Youkilis, and Lenny Denardo - the fucking Red Sox victory song. Way to cash in on opportunity, douchebag. Nice cornrows by the way. I guess he's going along with the idea that you need to have cornrows to release an album. The precedent has been set in the past, by guys like AI. Cornrows are classy.
2) To be a legit album, you ought to spell your name out as an acronym, like N.E.R.D. or O.A.R.
This is exactly the formula that Kobe (pre-rape) followed to make his album, which featured 50 Cent, Tyra Banks, and Broady Boy. Even more proof that Kobe can't win by himself.
3) You rap about how hard things have been for you (while suspended from your sport)
I know Artest had lots of time on his hands after beating Eminem's ass in the stands in Detroit, but come on - you're a professional athlete, not a rapper. At least he recorded a song about what happened in the Palace. Because we all needed to be reminded of it. Call me when you sell over 400 copies of your album in one week. Making a poor selling album is classy.
4) Your album is in French.
Isn't there some law against French point guards trying to look hard? More on this another day. Tony Parker - reasons the French suck, part 2.
5) One album can't stop you because you're a nonstop rapping machine.
Now Shaq's rapping is awesome, mainly because Shaq is the man. He turns the table on another rapping athlete (and rapist) Kobe Bryant. This happened in the past week and served as my motivation.
You stay Classy Shaq Diesel. Kobe - tell me how my ass taste.
As a side note - Check out Jon Kitna's wikipedia page and pay close attention to his college career. Also worth noting is the fact that he spells his first name without the "H" because he thinks he's too cool for that.
Tuesday, June 24, 2008
The reason why I'm glad Amurica isn't Europe has nothing to do with economics or global policy. It has to do with culture. And people complain about how Americans have no culture. This isn't true. Hollywood rocks, cowboys rock, cheap and terrible beer rocks, Evangelicals rock, but most importantly, American music rocks. Eurotrash techno and clubbing music might be popular with some Americans, mostly losers (see The Captain's music collection for clarification), but overall European music sucks. This being said, the UK is not part of Europe. The worst part of European music is that everyone once in a while, a song or band leaks its way to mainstream America.
One country that is particularly adept at spreading their filth to America is Sweden.
Don't be fooled by this country's universal health care, free education, beautiful landscapes, and ridiculously hot and easy women. Sweden is a cesspool for horrible music.
There are no less that four Swedish bands that made it big on the American music charts. Not one was a good or even talented band.
Think back to the year of 1986. Now think of the big hair bands that all sucked. Now think of a one hit wonder that any frat boy has on his iPod trying to seem cool and nostalgic. Odds are you might have thought of, or be listening to, Europe and their lame ass song, The Final Countdown. Sorry folks, that is an awful song and is from Sweden.
The next one hit wonder from Sweden that infected our junior high dances paints a bad image for American music. A combination of Eurotrash techno with wannabe country music. That's right Rednex's Cotton-Eyed Joe. This song is awful for two reasons. First, it paints a bad image for an already laughed at Americana music, country. The world hates country, most of America loves country. Secondly, it just sucks. The chorus is where did you come from, where did you go, where did you come from Cotton-Eyed Joe? I hope there is a ludafisk-eyed Olaf in Sweden who can't see the beauty of his country and their women. Fuck you Rednex.
The next two are Swedish bands that are undermining American music. The first is a band that some people love, most likely New Yorkers. The have a museum designated for them and now have their own musical, Mama Mia!. The only good thing this band has done has been used to answer crossword puzzles. I am referring to the Swedish band of ABBA. That's right. The super successful band that your parents listen to is a god awful Swedish supergroup. They brought hits like Money, Money, Money and Dancing Queen. If you want to hear these songs, The Captain has them on loop in his room for when the ladies come by. Well, ABBA sucks.
The last and final Swedish band ruining American music was huge in elementary school and several readers (posters) probably own this album still. Not me, I never did. I am referring to the mid 90's super group of Ace of Base. All that she wants is to see the sign. Well Ace of Base is complete and utter horse shit. Fuck you Sweden and your shitty music and your beautiful and easy women.
And if anyone doesn't believe me that Sweden sucks, read a history book and find out their involvement in World War II. Oh wait, they remained neutral and actually let the Germans help invade Norway and then traded steel with them to help make battleships. To hell with you and your women Sweden.
Monday, June 23, 2008
All you need to do is watch Fat Joe - he'll show you how it's done.
PS - yes, I realize the ehow article is a joke, this post is a joke too - it just isn't funny. Kind of like how Pacman Jones isn't going to be able to play more then 2 games this year b/c he'll go to a strip club and make it rain and the Roger Goodell will kick his ass - literally.
Friday, June 20, 2008
I quit watching SportsCenter cause all the hype, sob stories and lack of highlights piss me off. The one day I decide to tune in that is the commercial I see. I know they are courting the NASCAR market, but that was the add? Come on.
If you are in the need get you anti monkey butt power here.
Oh yeah and the anti monkey butt dude looks like he can fit right in as a classy person of the week.
Usually deadlines are set to keep people productive and keep creativity flowing. This is done to get things done. Sometimes deadlines aren't met.
Unofficial deadlines tend to not be met more often than they actually are met (see: blogging).
So this week, I'll highlight a few classy people who can't meet deadlines:
Chet. Has posted about 50% of the time.
Walter. Nearly always posts, although they're usually late.
CFP. Disappeared for about 6 weeks. No post this week.
Myself. Late this week, depressed because of it.
Yea, so I really mailed this one in. At least I made a post.
Happy weekend. Boss is gone, huzzah!
Thursday, June 19, 2008
I can understand why Willie got fired - he never got the team to recover from last year's epic collapse - see level II.
The team has vastly underacheived this year with the amount of talent they have - espically considering they have all the key pieces from being one game away from the world series two years ago, and killing everyone last year until the last 3 weeks of the season - and they added Johan Santana - one of the most dominant pitchers in the game. Something had to give here, especially in New York where to media and fan pressure was turned up to high. Fans have been chanting "fire Willie" at Shea.
With all that said - why fire him at 3am, in Los Angeles (errr Anaheim)? It just makes no sense at all - I've never heard of anything like it. It makes my beloved Mets seem like a low-class, low-rent organization. Not only is it just a bad way to do business, it gives the media fodder to run with the crazy way they fired him instead of the reasons why.
Wednesday, June 18, 2008
Sunday, June 15, 2008
Gotta find a way to sneak to a TV tomorrow afternoon, as the playoff starts at 12 noon EST. Why not play it later so people can watch, and make tons of money in advertisements?
Edit: Yippie! Coverage is live on ESPN and ESPN360
Friday, June 13, 2008
Thursday, June 12, 2008
Here are some reasons hippies are classy:
Now I enjoy a psychedelic t-shirt as much as the next person. However, hippies take the shit to a "high"er level. And we all know that nothing matches a tie-dye shirt better than a headband.
2) Not showering
Now I understand that we should conserve resources. That's why I drive 20 mph on the highway and I reuse condoms. However, personal hygiene is extraordinarily important in today's society, even if you do want to work at Ben and Jerry's.
3) Driving across the country in a psychedelic van
Nothing is better than a spiritual quest. Especially when you cram in a bus with a bunch of other people who don't shower and trip balls for 2 straight weeks, which leads me to...
Hippies love to expand their thoughts, possibly trying to come up with words for new colors, or new words for colors that already exist. Typical drugs ingested include weed, acid, and mushrooms. There is a direct correlation between drug intake and grunginess.
By protesting, hippies have a way of annoying the rest of the world when they aren't eating vegetarian burritos. When combined with working to stop drug bans, hippies are at their happiest. If not protesting for drugs, hippies will protest war so that they can have a love-in.
6) Not shaving
Hippies love beards. She-hippies love pit hair.
At the end of the day I have to say all these things make hippies seem quite classy. It also seems Chet may be a hippie.
What do you think?
Wednesday, June 11, 2008
Why is he the first reason France sucks?
Because of that.
The French suck.
Tuesday, June 10, 2008
Monday, June 9, 2008
Looks like a boot, probably smells like feet.
Holy fuck your tower is going to fall over.
Wife of goalie, captain, and lucky son of a bitch Gianluigi Buffon.
The map of the country is too fucking big to fit in the picture.
When you think of Russia you think of vodka, snow, vodka, communists, snow, smoking hot tennis players, vodka and buildings that look like this. Bet you thought I would have gone for a picture of a tennis player, huh?
Miss Russia 2006, Tatiana Kotova. I love when they bring friends.
That wraps up the preview of Euro 2008. As Ron Burgundy pointed out, it is a shame that England and their far superior WAGs could not qualify for this little shindig. They should be ashamed of themselves for not sharing their wealth with the rest of us.
As far as the football goes ...
I'll take Portugal and the Czech Republic out of Group A. Germany and Croatia out of Group B.
Italy and the eyesore that is the Netherlands out of Group C. Spain and Sweden out of Group D.
To avoid further embarrassment I will pick the quarterfinals after the group stage is over. Oh, and I will get some more girly pics, cause I am quite certain that is the only thing you are reading this for.
Update: Ron Burgundy says I have to pick a winner, so I pick Spain*
*I reserve the right to amend this when Spain chokes and underachieves usual.
I will be getting one. I wonder if my boss will be signing an expense report?
This is Turkey
It is a nice looking country, unfortunately no nice looking women reside there.
Instead you get a picture of your next thanksgiving dinner (trust me, better looking than the Turkish women I found).
I know nothing about Romania, if you are interested I am sure Wikipedia can help.
What I wouldn't give to be there instead of a lab that is air conditioned to a balmy 62 degrees.
This is Martina Stella, she has been linked to Romanian striker Adrian Mutu (the dude who owes Chelsea 18 million because he got busted with coke). In Adrian's defense I am sure all of us would go out and get some coke if we had the chance to take if off of that ass.
All you will ever need to know about the Netherlands is that Amsterdam is located there.
I take that back there are two things you need to know about the Netherlands 1) Amsterdam 2) it is full of dikes. Not those kind, the kind that hold the North Sea back from causing imminent doom and despair.
This is the first football related issue tackled here in the preview, and it only shows up to serve as a warning not to watch the Dutch games if you have a HDTV. The orange in their uniforms is scientifically proven to burn holes in your retina when viewed in HD (Don't say you weren't warned).
This is Rafael van der Vaart's WAG, not bad if you ask me.
The home of civil war. At least I think that is their motto, I could be wrong.
If you are not into killing your fellow countryman, Croatia appears to have some pleasant scenery.
Pictured is Thomas Rosicky's wife (all that orange would make you believe her husband was Dutch). Rosicky is injured and unable to play in Euro 2008, but as a consolation he gets to rehab with her.