Friday, May 30, 2008

Did the mule carrying our funnies to the internet die?

No posts for three days - egads.

I think I found the problem. We've almost got it fixed

btw - Lost fucking rules. The finale last night was amazing.

Tuesday, May 27, 2008

Dude, watch out

Lightning Bolt of the Week

Back with a special Tuesday edition since Monday was Memorial Day.

First off, thanks to all active service personal and veterans - the sacrifices made by people in the military to defend our freedom are amazing. A tip of the hat to a friend of mine who is a veteran of the 82nd Airborne who sent the following video.

The only thing shocking about this video is how awesome Weezer is - they basically took this blog and made it into a video. They lined up a bunch of you-tube stars and made a sweet video for their new tune 'pork and beans'

Friday, May 23, 2008

THX Certified

Art's Flip out of the Week

Rise mighty spirit
Beaten into submission
Deer rape is pending

Thursday, May 22, 2008

The world's greatest thirty five seconds

No, I'm not advertising sex with Captain Insano. See for yourself

Boom. Headshot!

IRB's Classy People of the Week: May 22

Who is classier than a creepy ass movie star? Nobody. That's why this week's classy person of the week is Kurt Russell.

Oh, you don't think he's creepy classy? Here's some evidence:

1) Nothing is classier than starting your life dressed like somebody out of the Bee Gees. Or Goodfellas. Don't get much better than that.

2a) Nothing is classier than starring in a futurpocalypse movie.

2b) And then following it up with another.

3)How about playing a pervy sea captain? He probably wants to let you swab his poop deck.

4) Or maybe wearing a Tsingtao shirt while hanging out with two dudes who look like the pervy Eurotrash from Eurotrip.

5) How about dressing up as a fireman in order to climb up into someone's bedroom unnoticed?

6) He also stars in G-rated Disney hockey movies. That's as classy as it comes. Instead of being ranked up there with Paul Newman from Slap Shot , he's side-by-side with Gordon Bombay. We all know hockey is for real men, not Disney lore.

If you haven't been convinced Kurt Russell is classy as hell, I ask you to look no further than the movie Death Proof. Not only is he super pervy, but he's a stuntman. Who stares into the camera and fucks your soul. Then kills cars full of attractive ladies, for no apparent reason.

To conclude:
Kurt Russell is creepy classy as shit. Maybe it's not really Kurt Russell, but the roles he chooses to play. But anybody who stares into the camera like that is a stone cold creep.

You stay classy, Kurt Russell.

Pelicans are sweet

Pelicans will one day take over the bird world. Just like robots taking over the human world.

Keanu Reeves....Basically

Eager men await,
Paddles erect for climax,
Ping pong is so sweet.

Come on sucker, lick my battery

Further proof that you need to purchase robot insurance. Apparently this happens in the year 2000.

It's so hard nowadays with all the gangs and rap music

Wednesday, May 21, 2008

Tuesday, May 20, 2008

Dance of the Week

A nice little half-time show to your squash match.

Judges Table:

Moves = 7/10 (in-your-face actions)
Crowd Pleaser = 8/10 (not for pleasing but for shocking)
Finishing Move = 9/10 (stone-cold killer)

Overall = 8/10

See more funny videos at CollegeHumor

Hung like a roo?

Rory Sabbatini is a douche. That's why this kangaroo is awesome. Not only does it interrupt his shot, but it plays with his junk to throw him off. Awesome.

I don't know about you, but my peenie just went: Broomp!

Sweet Sassey Molassey! I'm getting happy go jackey on the white guy like a donkey eating a waffle! Get out the checkbook and pay grandma for the rubdown! (if these quotes don't mean anything to you - go here post haste for the text of one of the greatest SNL skits ever. Too bad NBC sucks at life and pulls the video off youtube all the time)

In case you haven't guessed already, there is some good news afloat. Gizmodo is hitting us up with the greatness today. First it seems the second gen iPhone release date has been confirmed. The big issue now is whether I can sneak that exoense report by my boss.

Then they drop the knowledge that there may be a MacGyver movie! Talk about awesomeness. I love that show with all my body, including my pee pee. It might be the best movie ever.

Monday, May 19, 2008

Go big or go home

One knockout is for pussies. I think everyone in the room got knocked out from this.
See more funny videos at CollegeHumor

Lightning Bolt Monday - Shocking You Back to Work! (5/19/08)

Let me take a little time to set up this edition of lightning bolt of the week.

Below is a nice little clip from a new show on FSN (foxsports net) called 'Sports Science'. Seems like a nice little idea for a show - they've have episodes in the past with Lance Armstrong talking about his lung capacity and things like that. Really breaking down why some athletes can perform at elite levels and do the things they do.

I think the name of the show really sets us up for what we're going to see below though. Let's look at it in reverse order. First - Science - when one thinks of science there are a lot of connotations involved. We think of designing controlled experiments to test worthwhile hypotheses and finding the real explanations behind things that seem almost unexplainable through those tests.

Second - Sports. Sports conjures up images of the eternal struggle between man and man. A level playing field where athletes train for hours on end to improve their skills in an effort to show superiority over their fellow competitor. A chance the show heart, grit, and determination - the true spirit of man.

Lastly - Fox. Unlike science and sports Fox (the TV network, not the animal) typically does not make is think of the higher ideals of mind and body. In fact Fox typically is associated with dragging us down to the lowest common denominator. For reference see Bundy, Al.

So what happens when we combine Fox, sports, and science? Watch below for your answer.

If you guessed nut shot, you win the prize. If that video doesn't shock you back to work I don't know what will. Leave it to fox to make about 3 good episodes of a new show, and then bring it right into the nut shot. I mean I guess it's sports because they are hitting him with a tennis ball and not a hammer (new show fox construction science coming this fall). The idea is somewhat related to science because they measure his heart rate (surprise - it goes up!).

The only thing I'm left to wonder now is how fox news is going to work nut shots into coverage of the '08 election. The good news is they can carry out their nut shot plans just the same if Barak or Hillary wins.

Sunday, May 18, 2008

Before he saw dead people, he had AIDS

No words. Just AIDS.

The Bono Conundrum

There has been some talk on the blog of music as of late, Slash melts faces and Moby is not good. When thinking about music, there is one thing that I can't understand. Why do girls love U2? More specifically, why do girls love Bono?

You can see my confusion. Why would anybody love this man? So, I took it upon myself to find out why and questioned some mildly attractive impressionable hippie girl who is in college and was wearing a I love Bono T-shirt. This is why chicks love Bono

1) He is sexy.

WRONG! I hate to break it to you ladies, but Bono is Irish. We Irish are about the ugliest people in the world, just ahead of New Jerseyans. The dead give aways that Irish people are ugly are the large number of gingers and the fact that most have the drunk red nose.

2) His lyrics are inspirational.

WRONG! His lyrics suck. A mole, digging in a hole, digging up my soul, going down, excavation (from Elevation). Yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah (from that other shitty song).

3) He is a worldly man.

WRONG! No matter where you are from and where you have been if you can't count to 4 in the third most common spoken language in the world and live and work in a country where it is the second most common spoken language, you are not worldly. He either doesn't know the word for four or is a dumbass and thinks that fourteen comes after three.

4) He truly cares about his fellow man.

WRONG! He is pretentious. Just watch, if you can stomach it.

5) He wants World Peace.

MAYBE. But World Peace is for sissies and Europeans.

For all of you out there that love U2, go for the talented one, The Edge, not the sissy one.

Because after all, Bono has never killed the white whale, killed Nazis several times, been Atticus Finch, or fathered the anti-Christ. Only one man has, and he is a true man. His name is Gregory Peck, and he hates Commies and World Peace.

Preakness Recap

Important stuff first: between the Commander and myself, we saw one boob. One. Not even the twin. Just one boob.

In other news, I think half of Jersey showed up. Not enough tank tops east of the Mississippi for this crowd. On the other hand, there was one Jort sighting. This guy was going nuts all day, and proved to provide numerous people with entertainment. See video:

There were also about 3 guys dressed up as horses. Awesome. Ate some hot Cheetos. Played a couple games of drinkball, had about 16 Miller Lites. Puked hot Cheetos once. Slept for 12 hours last night. Heard one conversation about upcoming prom. Reminded self to always avoid everything Jersey and Philly ever have to offer. Talked about JoePa with some fat guy in a Penn State visor. Saw about 13 pounds of shit floating in each of the porta-johns. Pissed in between porta-johns. Pissed on the porta-john truck.

Drove through some nice ghetto apartments housing projects on the way in. Thought I saw the flip out of the week happening a few cars ahead of us.

Also, Big Brown easily ran away from the crowd with a surge off the last turn. Should take the Triple Crown this year.

Not sure if we're going back, but hopefully next year we can report from the Derby for you.

Till then, we'll have to report from some baseball and football games.

Friday, May 16, 2008

133rd Preakness Stakes

In preparation for tomorrow's 133rd running of the Preakness stakes I thought I would post this video of the classiness that the good Commander and I will be partaking in tomorrow. I'll be this guy, although I won't have his tact or balance.

We plan on taking Walter's lead and drinking enough Black Eyed Susans to see Barbaro. Or we'll at least see Eight Belles.

Either way, we won't see much horse racing.

If you're lucky, maybe we'll remember to take, and subsequently post some pictures.

ART's FLIP OUT of the week

Gay PT cruiser
Purple finish makes me limp
And attracts crack heads

Thursday, May 15, 2008

Still no... but you smell greaaaat

This may go along with Walter's description of ART, but I think it falls more in the Captain Insano territory. Why? Because he may or may not have invested in roofies as a member of a fraternity.

Also, Captain Insano loves house music, to pump him up when he's not listening to Moby.

IRB?'s Classy People of the Week, May 15th

Maybe it’s because I’ve taken my namesake from the legendary Ron Burgundy.  Maybe it’s got something to do with the relative ease difficulty of noticing the “on air” light.  Maybe it's because we all think we could report the news better than half these clowns.  Or maybe it's because this is what YouTube was invented for.

Newscasters are my classy people of the week.  Why?  None of this is new, but here's my evidence:

I know what you're going to say.  Of course a New York City news reporter is classy.  Everyone in New York City is classy.  You're right.  So what the fuck are you doing?  Probably sipping a Perrier, wearing a cravat and playing croquet.  Stay classy New York City.

Nothing is classier than reporting sledding from the bottom of the hill.  Because if you report from the top, you're a pussy.  If you report from the bottom, get mowed over, do a flip, and finish your segment... well you're still a pussy, but at least you did an awesome flip.

Good, classy news starts with connection with the listener.  If you're on camera, you should look at the working camera.  When reporting from the field, you should look directly at the only camera there.  However, you probably should keep an eye out for what's in front of you.

One of the best ways to connect with your listeners is to go to a classy local event and inform them of the fun they can have.  Wine is a classy thing, and making wine is even classier.  Stomping out wine like the ancients is about as classy as it gets.  Honestly, who's classier than the booze pounding, orgy loving, bisexual, pedophile, deity-banging Greeks?  Also, watch out for that step, it's a doozy.  My only reluctance to use this as classy evidence is the fact that it doesn't help to scream and moan like a choad when trying to report classy things.

However, I will say that there have been some very classy news reporters.  For instance Erin Andrews.  She’s classy.  Because she’s a good sports journalist.  She seems to take the obsession of her from the interwebs and on college campuses in stride. That’s why.  I feel obligated to post here about EA not only because she's classy, but because people show up to our blog by searching for her.

You stay classy, Erin Andrews.

Wednesday, May 14, 2008

Lightning Bolt Monday - Shocking You Back to Work! (5/14/08)

Turns out that at my job they want you to actually work and do stuff, not just play on the interwebs all day. Due to that fact I'm bringing you a special midweek edition of the Lightning Bolt of the week. I won't shock you back into the week, but I will give your midweek a jolt. Of course by jolt I mean a compilation of hilarious monkey videos, because if there is one thing this site does well (and there isn't), it's bringing you monkey videos.

First off, the trunk monkey. These are some great ads. They really make you wish the trunk monkey is real. If I had a nickel for every time I needed a monkey to some dude's ass, kick some kid's ass, act as midwife, bribe a police officer, hit a car thief on the head, or protect my daughter I'd be a rich man.

Other things monkeys are awesome at - drinking:



rocking out like Slash:

riding motorcycles

In case you've missed the point monkeys kick ass, and you don't - especially you Captain Insano.

"Moby doesn't sample, he creates"

In a discussion with Captain Insano yesterday, I was informed that Moby doesn't sample music, he just creates new music.

This is true. Except when he samples. Which is quite frequent. Example:
Moby "featuring" Patti Labelle. Miami Vice Soundtrack, track 2. Originally a Labelle song, sampled by Moby.

This article talks in depth about Moby's use of sampling in his albums.

So, Captain Insano, it seems you're full of shit. I reiterate Chet's statement from before: Moby is not good.

To make this post much manlier, here's more Slash to de-Mobify this blog.

You shouldn't throw rocks

If you do, you'll get crushed. Then pooped on.

Tuesday, May 13, 2008

This has to work, right?

This kid wanted to shoot the basketball in the hoop from far away. If you don't have the arm strength, just use a skateboard to send it on its way. Makes perfect sense, if you know absolutely no physics.

Dance of the Week

Optimus Prime.

Score:  Moves = 7/10  Crowd Pleaser = 8/10  Sweet getaway = 10/10
Overall:  9/10

Monday, May 12, 2008

Slash - Face-Melter Extraordinaire

There's been a lot of talk on Tuesdays about face-melting. While IRB? is 100% correct with RUSH melting faces on a daily basis, some contributors are unaware what constitutes face-melting. For example, the Ginger King thinks that Moby melts faces. CI likes to listen to Moby after frat parties before going to grope on some skanks on the Jersey shore. I hate to break it to him, but Moby is not a face-melter. Moby isn't even good. He probably isn't even a dude.


To prevent any discussion about what constitutes as face-melting that might interfere with drinking on Tuesdays, I am going to suggest that one of the top 5 best face-melters of all time is Slash.

What other man can pull off a hoop nose-ring and a top hat while smoking a cigarette and wailing sweet guitar riffs? Slash is the man.

If anyone should doubt that Slash is top 5 face-melters, check out his two guitar solos. One at 4 minutes and the other at 7 minutes.

Over or under, pick one

As a high school hurdler, I fell nearly every day at practice.

Never hit my balls on a steeplechase hurdle though.

Aussie, Aussie, Aussie!!!! Goon, goon, goon!!!

And they said that rugby was the Aussie's official sport. Clearly it's Goon... of... Fortune!!!

Saturday, May 10, 2008

Friday, May 9, 2008

ART's FLIP OUT of the week

Rage consumes the soul.
Gigantic shorts hide small legs.
Sleep chocolate friend.

You know, like numchuck skills....

Napoleon Dynamite: Well, nobody's going to go out with *me*!
Pedro: Have you asked anybody yet?
Napoleon Dynamite: No, but who would? I don't even have any good skills.
Pedro: What do you mean?
Napoleon Dynamite: You know, like numchuk skills, bow hunting skills, computer hacking skills... Girls only want boyfriends who have great skills.
Pedro: Aren't you pretty good at drawing, like animals and warriors and stuff?
Napoleon Dynamite: Yes... probably the best that I know of.
Pedro: Just draw a picture of the girl you want to take out... and give it to her for like a gift or something.
Napoleon Dynamite: That's a pretty good idea.

Girls do like guys with skills. Do you have any skills? This bear has excellent bowstaff skills. I wanted to embed this video, but I wasn't allowed, please check it out - it's worth your time (like your really worried about your time if you're here)

Any this guy has excellent douch-bag skills, but a cool T-shirt

Thursday, May 8, 2008

Take that Chuck

I'm as big a Chuck Barkely fan as anyone else; I think we all are at JRSSOI. But EJ got him good here.

Your future Governor of Alabama, folks.

IRB?'s Classy People of the Week, May 8th

Before I get started, I'd like to apologize for big Flex.  He couldn't post a mustache of the week yesterday because his wrists are too limp (see: flaming).  Hopefully he'll be back next week.

This week's classy people of the week are a group that we all love.  They are looked down upon, but not in an "I'm better than you" sort of way.  They entertain us.  They combine everyone's love of professional wrestling with the hilarity cuteness classiness of a little person.  That's right.  Midget wrestlers are this week's classy people of the week.

I'm not one to mock midgets, seeing as how some would say I border on being a midget, my being 5'8".  I've been to Casey's Draft House in Pittsburgh, and love me some midget as much as everyone else.  When someone throws $10 down on the bar and a midget jumps on the bar and pours a shot into everyone at the bar's mouth, you can't help but love midgets.  Midgets provide booze.
Pittsburgh hasn't figured out political correctness just yet.

So midgets are just classy as hell in general, as we have seen.  Combine this with the already classy professional wrasslin, and you might as well get in your Bentley move the the Hamptons.

When put in the ring, a midget is as classy as they come.  Point A:

This furry guy.

This beast combines the awesomeness of a midget and wrestling, he also embodies flamboyant mexican luchadores.  Not only is he nimble (as all midget wrestlers must be to overcome their lack of power) but he's also furry.  How is that a good thing?  It just is.  Best of all he allows himself to have this happen to him:

Oh, I guess I should have said that if you're squeamish you might not want to watch this.

Point B:

Due to their diminutive stature, midget wrestlers are able to accomplish feats that normal sized wrestlers cannot achieve.  They can simply run between a full-sized wrestler's legs, without having to duck or slow down.  Most importantly they have abnormally thick skin on their foreheads, which allows them to pull off this most impressive move:

Also, my bad.  Kinda gross.

Add all these facts that the well known fact that midgets have an organ whose sole purpose is to produce magic, and we've got our classy people of the week.

Wednesday, May 7, 2008

I'm Ron Burgundy, and I'll be returning to a theater near you.

Check this link out, best thing I've read all day.

Great news.

In other news, I have a massive erection.  Subtitled in Spanish.

Tuesday, May 6, 2008

Frustration is Right

Dance of the Week

I think this girl was trying to get a date through  I'd say you have a chance if you're into crazy chicks from Orlando who like to wear leprechaun hats.  

Dance moves = pelvic thrusts, chest bumps, ass-smacking, lots of arm-wailing.

Score = 3/10 (skill) 8/10 (hilarity) 10/10 (accessorizing)    Overall = 7/10

Ass Rapist

Fat man pulls pants down
A big floppy donkey dick
Just think of christmas

Monday, May 5, 2008

Wait for it, waaaait for it

Check out the 1 minute mark. It'll blow your mind! Especially if you're a dramatic prairie dog.

This is what that German kid was talking about.

Mexicans don't like cops - Watch more free videos

Lightning Bolt Monday - Shocking You Back to Work! (5/5/08)

So I still haven't figured what I'm going to do with this "column", but for today I'm still riding the shocking theme. It's not the 'shocker' theme - like this kid would give to Erin Andrews if he could:

Today I'm going to shock you with how bad M. Night Shama-lama-ding-dong is. I would offer further comment, but the trailer for his new 'movie' does it all for me.

Robot Chicken has already broken this one down for me, so I'll shamelessly steal their work

A gallon of your feces

Sunday, May 4, 2008

Ghost of the Week

After being exposed as a ghost last week, I have had some time to think. Some of you right now are getting chubs thinking about Dan Aykroyd and Bill Murray and saying, I ain't afraid of no ghosts. Well, there are several reasons not to mess with ghosts. The first is, you can't kill a ghost. Second, we will haunt your ass. Third, we don't sleep. And most importantly, we are selective; there are no ginger ghosts. This is because ginger kids have no souls.

Don't mess with ghosts, unless you happen to be one, or want to be one, except gingers.

Kittens make me sick

I've been known to vomit before, but I must say this lady is impressive. Impressive like Captain Insano's super sweet dance moves. Sorry, no video of him dancing. Yet.

Saturday, May 3, 2008

Something for Chet and Insano to aim for

Someday you two may approach this gentleman's eschelon of racing to Boone's Farm.

To put it in racing terms, he's Dale Earnhardt and you're an 70 year old asian woman in her Honda Civic.

AKA You're slow at chugging.

I don't care that you chugged your Boone's faster than I did.  Let's drink 40s like men, not Boone's like 15 year olds who got invited to the prom by some upperclassman.  You're just getting drunk off Boone's so you'll have the courage to play just the tip with the starting quarterback.

Run for the Roses

Derby Day today. I'll be drinking this.

Mint Julep
Type: Mixed drink
Primary alcohol by volume:

* Bourbon whiskey

Served: over crushed, or shaved ice.
Standard garnish: mint leaves
Standard drinkware: tall glass, or julep cup
Commonly used ingredients:

* 3 oz. (90 mL) Bourbon whiskey
* 4 to 6 sprigs mint leaves
* granulated sugar, to taste

Preparation: Put mint, sugar, and a small amount of crushed or shaved ice into the bottom of a julep cup or tall glass. [Optional: Muddle the mint and sugar, then let stand for a bit to allow the broken leaves to release their flavor.] Add bourbon whiskey, top off with crushed or shaved ice, and stir well to mix and chill the libation.

Thanks wikipedia

Maybe if I have enough of them I'll see Barbaro again.

Friday, May 2, 2008

Steve Perry!

OK, so this video is not funny except for the air keyboard, the fucking ridiculous 80's outfits, how much Steve Perry gets into it, Steve Perry's shirt, Steve Perry's hair and well Steve Perry. Can you say popped collar on a jean jacket? I am pretty sure I saw a mustache of the week candidate in there. Fuck it, I've changed my mind it is all funny and should be required viewing for understanding the 80's.

I feel a Yeti's 80's video of the week theme coming on here.

ART's FLIP OUT of the week

Bare-Chested Hardcore Flip Out

This weeks flip out brings multiple levels of Hardness (definitely brought out mine). Here are some important pointers for achieving full hardness during a flip out clearly demonstrated by these guys...
1) Send your opponent into an awkward state of arousal by eating their blood
2) An awkward state of arousal naturally leads to torn clothing and ultimately man chest
3) Losing body parts only increases flip out related hardness
4) One liners will leave your opponent flaccid while increasing your hardness to undefeatable levels (unless it doesn't)
Just remember...if you can't beat them, flip out harder than them...for your health!

Thursday, May 1, 2008

I'm Ron Burgundy?'s Classy People of the Week: May 1st, 2008

It's Thursday, which means it's Classy People of the Week time.  Who is classier than a bum?  Nobody I know.  Here's a list of reasons I think bums are as sad, depressing, and worthless classy as they come.

1)  Beards.  

Chet loves bums for this reason.  A lot of men enjoy a good beard but grow beards for reasons such as appearing educated or for hockey playoffs.  Bums grow beards for one reason: because they can.  Nothing is classier than doing whatever the hell you want.

2) Shameless begging.

You know when you're short 5 bucks and really want to get a 12-rack of natural light, but you'd rather not ask your roommate/boss/wife/parents because you're afraid of getting shot down?  Bums make you look like a pussy.  Why be afraid of asking, when you can ask all day every day?  Why not ask so many times that your throat hurts and it's easier just to make a sign?  Plus, signs get through to people who are too busy listening to their iPod to listen to you ask for booze money.  Not making people remove their headphones is classy.

3) Dumpster diving.  

Remember when you were little and you saw some food that looked really good?  Maybe it was on the counter but not on a plate - you grabbed it and your mom told you not to eat it because it was dirty.  Remember that?  You're a douche, and so is your mom.  Classy folks aren't afraid to go get what they want, even if that means it's in a dumpster.  In a dumpster means surrounded by other garbage, which many times includes animal waste.  But seriously, the hell with sanitation.  That half a creamsickle is worth it.  Creamsickles are classy.

4) Humor

When all else fails, you have to look to humor.  If you lose your sense of humor, all is lost.  Bums never lose their sense of humor.  Not even when two bums invest 50/50 in a new shopping cart.  They get the new cart.  Bum A goes to sleep that night happy, only to find out that sonofabitch Roscoe stole off in the middle of the night with the shopping cart and all my the Bum A's belongings, including his favorite stick and half a melted creamsickle.  Bums never lose humor.  Ever.  And humor is classy (at least that's what we keep telling ourselves at this blog).

5) Bums make us feel better about ourselves.

One encounter with a bum will make you say "Damn, things could be worse."  That, or "God damn you Roscoe, where's my fucking creamsickle?"  Making people feel better about themselves is classy.

Fuck Roscoe.