Friday, August 29, 2008

Surprise!

SEC schools suck academically. But, they're good at football. Is there a connection?

Maybe Notre Dame can use the old academic standard excuse after all.

Wait a minute... Notre Dame is ranked number 18, and Stanford is 4?!

Didn't Stanford win last year, with a better academic ranking?

Thursday, August 28, 2008

Less than half-assed college football preview

Winner of Everything - Notre Dame*

Everybody knows real football starts next week when the Giants defend on Thursday night, and the Irish kick off their season on Saturday against mighty SDSU. I'm not sure why ND isn't playing this weekend. Thanks for fucking up our schedule Kevin White.


























* Now I just wish I could convince myself this is true.

The Yeti is a twat

I have no problem with a half-assed preview. However, it just came to my attention after actually reading the Yeti's article that he spelled the name of the only two-time Heisman Trophy winner incorrectly. Since he's a Buckeye, this is unacceptable. Before he goes and spell-corrects it, I took a screen shot to prove how wrong his spelling was.

Here it is:



I'm sorry Archie Griffin, please don't hurt us.

Half-Assed College Football Preview part 2

Keeping things half-assed:

ACC
As our Chinese friends say, Clemenson

Big East
To appease Squirrels WVU

Big 10
Because Bucky Badger can't stop the run OSU

Big 12
Because some 10 year old in front of me at the Nats game last night had a Sooners shirt OU



SEC
Because their running back is named Knowshawn Georgia

Pac-10
Because of Prefontaine Oregon

Norte Dame will win 9, including the first ever Yeti/Walter/Ron Burgundy ND/Purdue Drinkfest (not to be confused with the ART/Walter/Ron Maryland/WVU drinkfest)

Michigan will win 7

Maryland will win 6 but will not close out the basement of the ACC Atlantic division

Tim Tebow will hold at least 15 prepubescent Indonesian penises during the season, maybe all at once

Beanie Wells will win the Heisman

Oklahoma will win the national championship over Florida

We all will love college football.

College Football

I am far too lazy and have way too much else to do to write up a real preview for the football season. So I took about 15 solid minutes to figure out how I think things might finish if all the games play out the way I think they will (read: want them to).

(Note: For people like Ron Burgandy, the teams are listed in order of predicted finish, the only time a conference champion is listed is when there is a split conference and a championship game. Otherwise the team at the top is the conference champion. And Yes, there are more teams in the non-BCS conferences, but don't pretend for a second that you or I care about them.)

ACC
Atlantic Coastal
Clemson Virginia Tech
Boston College Georgia Tech
Wake Forest Miami
Florida State North Carolina
NC State Virginia
Maryland Duke

Champion: Clemson



Big 12
North South
Missouri Texas Tech
Kansas Oklahoma
Nebraska Texas
Colorado Texas A&M
Kansas State Oklahoma State
Iowa State Baylor
Champion: Missouri



Big East
Pittsburgh
WVU
Cincinnati
South Florida
Rutgers
Uconn
Louisville
Syracuse



Big Ten
Ohio State
Wisconsin
Michigan State
Penn State
Illinois
Michigan
Purdue
Indiana
Northwestern
Minnesota
Iowa



Pac 10
USC
Arizona State
Oregon State
California
Arizona
Oregon
UCLA
Stanford
Washington
Washington State



SEC
East West
Georgia Auburn
Florida LSU
South Carolina Alabama
Tennessee Mississippi
Vanderbilt Arkansas
Kentucky Mississippi State
Champion: Auburn


Sun Belt WAC
Florida Atlantic Fresno State


Mountain West Notre Dame
BYU Notre Dame


MAC
West East
Central Michigan Miami (OH)
Champion: Central Michigan


C-USA
West East
Tulsa Southern Miss
Champion: Southern Miss

And lastly since I don't believe in preseason top 25s, a look at what the top 25 could look like at the end of the year (before the bowls) if all these things play out...

Top 25
Ohio State
Missouri
USC
Auburn
Clemson
Georgia
Texas Tech
Oklahoma
Wisconsin
BYU
Florida
Texas
Pittsburgh
Kansas
Arizona State
WVU
Virginia Tech
LSU
Cincinnati
Michigan State
Penn State
Alabama
Fresno State
Wake Forest
Illinois

Heisman Finalists:
Graham Harrell -- Texas Tech
Chase Daniel -- Missouri (winner)
Chris Wells -- Ohio State
Pat White -- WVU
Knowshon Moreno --Georgia

So yeah, I am a homer and think (hope) Ohio State can knock USC off and have another shot at a mythical national title. Since these predictions will probably be wildly off the mark feel free to make as much fun as possible of the picks when Northwestern wins the Big 10 and Tim Tebow passes for 3,000 yards, rushes for 2,000 yards and performs 6 miracles to equal Archie Griffin* in the Heisman department.

Week 1 round up of games

*even spelled correct now

Wednesday, August 27, 2008

Oh, David

Fail



Not much to add to this, just look away during the pole vault.

College Football is upon us

I have been holding out on this little bit of wisdom until an appropriate time, and with college football kicking off tomorrow this is it.





And that is the story of how the pillow Fighting Irish came to have 96.7 million fans even though only like 13 people have actually gone to school there.

Lightning Bolt of the Week!

Late as usual - Summer's over this weekend. Bad news b/c summer is typically pretty sweet. Good news b/c football also starts this weekend. All these changes kind of have me blown away.

Just like this kid:

Saturday, August 23, 2008

Friday, August 22, 2008

What did you guys have for lunch?

Gold Medal What?

Tip of the hat to awful announcing for uncovering this Olympic gem.

Listen to Tiki at about the :25-:28 mark

Thursday, August 21, 2008

Does your face feel ok?

Golden

As my idol once said, I'd like to be friends with it.



USA! USA!! USA!!!

Wednesday, August 20, 2008

Now Presenting - Fail Blog

Do yourself a favor and go to Fail Blog. Holy shit this site is hilarious.

An example of the kind of great things you'll see

Tuesday, August 19, 2008

I present "Cake Wrecks"

Cake Wrecks basically just has a bunch of photos like the ones below with pictures of crazy cakes, or crazy things written on cakes. There are some real dumb people out there - thank God thay are putting icing on cakes and not performing surgery on people.

Monday, August 18, 2008

Hey NBC, Fuck You

NBC just gave tips on how to deal with sleep deprivation while watching the olympics.

#5: Skip work (you're not going to see another Olympics like this anyways).

Yea, no shit. Until someone else covers the Olympics. Then maybe we'll see a decent Olympics. There's good coverage, but not on NBC. You can show basketball live, but track gets tape delayed 12+ hours. The world record was set in the men's 100, for fuck's sake. CNN.com told me all about it. However, I couldn't find video anywhere cause your stupid fuckhole asses have the Olympics on lockdown.

Just now, Cris Collinsworth just creamed himself talking about Michael Phelps. There's a lot more going on besides Phelps. Yes, he did something amazing. No, we won't see it again soon. But he's from Towson, not Baltimore. He goes to M*ch*g*n. His ass pales in comparison to Misty May-Treanor's. So let the American public form their own opinion, for fuck's sake.

I love the Olympics. I want to see track and field. I want to see basketball. I want to see soccer. I want to see swimming. Fuck, I like to watch badminton when it's good. I don't want to watch someone warm up for a swim when I know that somewhere in Beijing there's good competition going on. And for the love of god, I don't want to see Bob Costas in front of Chairman Mao while he talks about how much he loves the Great Wall.

NBC - You're a bunch of bullshit. In my household we learned at a young age that CBC has much better olympic coverage. Fuck you. I'm 300% afraid of what you'll do to the Super Bowl.

Word.

If the kids can fight, the kids should drink.

Good to see Ohio State at the forefront of something other than a riot.

Lightning Bolt Monday - Back to the Future Edition

If you were like me as a kid and/or you just generally don't suck at life you love Back to the Future.

Even so, I'd have to question paying $55,000 for this:

If it worked, it might be worth it, but not just to hang on the wall


I think the shoes would be well worth it though.

Only a couple grand to pick these beauties up

Art's Flip Out of the Week



Girl blocks with her face
Happens to be with the hulk
his dong is pale green

This should help tourism

Aussie mayor urges unattractive women to move into town


The mayor of an Australian outback mining town has come under fire for urging unattractive women to move in, assuring them they will find a man because there is a shortage of women.
John Moloney, mayor of Mount Isa in northwestern Queensland, told a newspaper his town was a place for "ugly ducklings to flourish into beautiful swans" and called on the "beauty-disadvantaged" to flock there.

In the face of outrage over his remarks, Moloney stood by his comments, saying he did not mean to cause offence but wanted to highlight the gender imbalance in the remote town of some 25,000 people.

"Well I said beauty disadvantaged," he told national radio. "Now beauty is in the eye of the beholder. Beauty can be a good set of teeth, beauty is nice wavy hair. Beauty can be blue eyes or green eyes.

"There is such a thing as disposition, temperament, manners, general attractiveness, attitude and demeanour, all those things tend to make a person attractive."

Mount Isa city councillor Gary Asmus said that while there was a shortage of women, Moloney's comments were an insult to the town's menfolk.

The mayor was "returning us to the Dark Ages and making the guys that live in this town seem like sex-hungry starved men that will pounce upon the first girl that they see walking down the street," he said.

Anne Morris, who has lived in Mount Isa for 50 years, told the radio she had not come across anyone who she would call ugly.

"The people that are coming into town now are coming here to work and find a house and live and bring up their families, but with these sort of comments ... I'd say 'humph, fancy going up to that place'," she said.

The operations manager of the city's popular Irish club, Bernard Gillick, said he sees the gender imbalance daily but suggests the mayor's solution might not be the right one.

"Anyone who moves to Mount Isa, beautiful or not so beautiful, they have a great chance to make a great life here. It is a fantastic town." he said.

"If guys have the right attitude then, you know, any type of girl will be happy to be with them so maybe the guys need to fix their attitudes a little bit."

Sunday, August 17, 2008

Thursday, August 14, 2008

Pork Chop Sandwiches

language extremely NSFW, but very entertaining

IRB's Classy People of the Week: August 14th

This post could also be named: Reasons the French suck, part 3

As an athlete the goal is always to win (unless you're Larry Hughes). This being the case, a lot of times a win is necessary for the athlete and his team to succeed and reach the next level. Many times athletes step over the line of being smart and begin to make guarantees. There is nothing classier than a guaranteed win. Except a guaranteed win that doesn't work out.

Example 1: Fresh in our minds



Some stupid world-record holding Frog said "The Americans? We're going to smash them. That's what we came here for." Sounds like a guarantee to me. Except he got caught by a 31-year old anchor leg that was a full length behind with 50 meters to go. Douchebag.

Example 2: Is it even an accomplishment?



"We're going to win next week," Hart said. "There's no question in my mind. I guarantee we will win next week. I'm going to get this team ready. Guaranteed." This is a quote from Michigan's Mighty Mouse, Mike Hart prior to playing Notre Dame. The Michigan-ND game tends to be highly competitive and is a game between traditional powerhouses. This being said, Mike Hart made the guarantee when his team was 0-2, and so was Notre Dame. Way to go after the big guys, douchebag. In other news, I guarantee I'll crush an empty beer can with my bare hands.

Example 3: Guaran-Sheed



Rasheed Wallace is ugly and a jackass. That's all. Also, Detroit lost. Douchebags.

Example 4: Speaking of Detroit...



Jon Kitna - spells his name without the H cause he's too cool. Also guarantees making the playoffs, and subsequently failing. At least Jesus loves him.

Wednesday, August 13, 2008

Tuesday, August 12, 2008

Winningest program in college football history my ass

Via WFNY:



As college football approaches, we'll try to do some heavily biased previewing of the college football season.

I do think, however that we do agree on one thing: Ann Arbor is a whore.

Craig Sager is a perv?

The DC Sports Bog has been doing some good work in Beijing. Steinberg's interview with Craig Sager is gold.

Check it out.



Surprise! This guy is a creep.

Monday, August 11, 2008

Get pumped up v3.0



Nike makes good commercials. The Killers make good music.

Thursday, August 7, 2008

Im'a get me some of these

IRB's Classy People of the Week: Olympic edition

In the Olympic spirit, this week’s classy people are those that are hosting the games - the Chinese. What’s classy about the Chinese? Fashion that just won’t go away is timeless. A blatant disregard for human rights. Seven foot monsters. Eating cats. Filling up American graduate programs. Let’s take a deep look at each of these:

1) Kickin it old school



Some would say that China is becoming increasingly modern - they are coming into the global economy, modernization is rampant, technology is everywhere. This is true - only in the cities. Most of China is more backwoods than a Kentucky swamp. The main modern thing about China is the fact that certain Americans (Art) wear hats that approximate ching-chong hats - that and the fact that they love to wear Nadal pants. That and they love basketball. Lots of ching-chong hip-hop.

2) Human rights



I’m not one to harp about stuff. A lot has been said about Tibet and the situation there. The Olympics bring the host country under a microscope, and this is the biggest story so far. Lots of uber-liberals (see: europe and san francisco) have protested (liberals protest? no...) the Olympic games. I don’t really know much about it, but when China hosts international fight clubs starring Van Damme, I know things are bad. Just check out the crazy dude they entered into the fight, Chong Li.




Side note: Chinese can’t clap or cheer to any discernible beat.

3) Seven foot monsters.



Tell me Yao Ming isn’t a monster. I don’t believe you. Same with Yi Jianlian. Monsters. Injured reserve? I think Yao has been scaling the Empire State Building and the Rockets can’t find him. Injured reserve is a convenient excuse for his not playing.



4) Eating cats.



That’s just gross.

5) Filling up American graduate schools



The other main story coming from Beijing is the weather situation. American cyclists showed up at Bejing’s airport looking like Billy the Kid. This is because the Chinese have such bad pollution (still kickin’ it old school) that the air is horrendously polluted and a smog fills the city. The Chinese think they can fix this. They can - because all their scientists and engineers studied in America, land of all that is good. The Chinese are excellent at filling up graduate programs in the United States, and outperforming the domestics. Maybe it’s cause we like to party. Maybe it’s because we’re sweet. But dammit, the Chinese are classy and there’s nothing we can do to stop them.

Monday, August 4, 2008

ART's (late) Flip out of the Week



The bulls nostrils flare
Man's anus flares even more
Put a cork in it

Seriously?

This could also be called why Jimmy Clausen will never be in the room to smell the Heisman

Nice Jacket, douchebag.

Pinkies out makes you classy, don't worry.

Friday, August 1, 2008

Good Morning!

Assistant to the regional manager reporting