Wednesday, April 30, 2008

Mind your drink

Next time you neck with some broad, remember her drink is open to the public.  

Death by Tray

More watching?


The back of this guy's head is watching you poop.

Does anybody dislike us this much?

Time for a bit of current events:

Sports writers don't like sports bloggers.  A lot of people enjoy the sports blogs that are out there but what about the other, dumber blogs?  Where does that leave us, the bloggers in the stupidity business?

I'd assume we're fine, since nobody reads this shit.  If they do, they obviously just want a waste of time, or are reading it to make us feel better (or because we asked them to drop by).  It's like when you're a little kid and you draw the stupidest looking monkey ever.  You show your mom because you're proud of it.  She looks because she wants you to feel better about yourself.  I'm 78% sure that's what our few readers do - they read this blog so that we feel better about ourselves.

So what journalists have we offended?  In looking at the posts so far, I'm assuming we've offended the following people:
1) gingers
2) kids
3) asians
4) indians
5) beardos
6) breakdancers
7) ghosts
8) families of the edmund fitzgerald's crew
9) arnold
10) women
11) green crack dealers
12) people who can't grow sweet mustaches

People who write "real" media (e.g. radio, newspaper, magazine) about these things might not like us.  It's ok.  Nobody likes us.  But we like this monkey, and I hope you do too:


Commander Flex Plexico's Mustache of the Week (4/28): NHL Playoff Edition

  Welcome to your weekly installment of machismo . . . it's Commander Flex Plexico's Mustache of the Week: NHL Playoff Edition, brought to you by our friends at McMurry's Mustache Wax: If it's good enough for your grandmother, it's good enough for you!

  For some of our more enlightened readers, as well as those coming to us from America's Hat (assuming they have the interwebs in Canada, I doubt it, considering it has nothing to do with maple syrup or Tim Horton's, someone check on that), you all know what time of the year it is.  No, not national poetry month (it is, but that's a different post all together).   The NHL Playoffs are in full swing hosers and hoserettes!!  For those of you not as in touch, hockey, America's 27th favorite sport, sandwiched between Beer-Hunter and Monkey/Herding Dog Rodeo, began it's road toward climax a few weeks ago, ending in the presentation of the Stanley Cup in a few weeks.  While the action on the ice has been breakneck to this point, the real focus of all you hockey fans out there has undoubtably been the players customary playoff beards.  In a show of unity and solidarity, all the players, minus Sidney Dive-sby (it turns out 12 year old girls have trouble growing beards), sport mountain-man Chet beards as long as their teams remain in the playoffs.  By the time the finals roll around, it looks more like the Hatfield's versus the McCoy's rather than a hockey game.  While the beard is a respected relative of the mustache, it certainly doesn't brandish the same pantload of rigid respect the more venerable mustache has associated with it.  This post salutes those who were willing enough to put the entire team on their back a carry them, with their deficient awesomeness, to the next level.

  Back in the glory days of upper-lip libido (1970's-1980's), the NHLer mustache was quite common, appearing predominantly in its mythical form, the mustache / hockey hair (mullet) combo.  Supposedly, if you catch an individual with a mustache and hockey hair, they're legally required to bring you to their pot of gold, but it's said that rather than gold, it's filled with McMurry's Mustache Wax.  This is all hypothetical of course, as you could never actually catch . . . nay, gaze upon one of these individuals without you head exploding from the sweetness.  This, folks, is the holy grail of follicle coordination, and only the most brash of men can sport it.  I believe the prerequisite was having killed 50 ninjas with your bare hands, that, or frightening 250 babies / small children / weak adults back into the safety of their mother's wombs, whichever came first (it was usually the ninjas, they're forced to test their skills against the manliest opponents available).  With this in mind, I submit to you, a who's who of the NHL nose neighbors.  
Disclaimer: The contributors of "Just Rub Some Sugar On It" are not responsible for any head exploding that may ensue from extended viewing of the photos below.  We will not compensate for carpet / furniture cleaning after your gray matter is splattered thusly.  You have been warned!!

With a last name like Goulet, what did you expect?

Before the days when the helmet was required.  Not for the safety of the players, but rather that of the viewers and their heads

Must . . . . caption . . . . intercranial pressure . . . . building . . . . SPLAT!!!

George Parros
(he's obviously just returned from the past after beating the crap out of Mohammad Ali,
Not Pictured in Shot: the rest of Ali's severed arm)

Ryan Hollweg receives "Knuckle Justice" for not allowing his stache to fully bloom
(find a picture of him now, he's learned his lesson)

  I leave you, until next time, with an English Proverb: "A man without a mustache is like a cup of tea without sugar."  By cup they mean keg, and by tea they mean blood of those intent on standing in your way, and by sugar they mean sugar . . . fuckin' English.

-The Commander

Tuesday, April 29, 2008

Robo-gingers?

It has come to my attention that the gingers may be forming an army of unstoppable cyborgs.  Here is an image of one, which may be Captain Insano's uncle/laptop.


There's also a baby ginger known as the "chosen one".  He is supposed to be like Anakin Skywalker, but for gingers not jedis.  I don't know what powers gingers are supposed to have besides the amazing ability to sunburn at an astonishing rate.  He looks like this:


Keep alert.  This could be a false alarm and just a picture of the Yeti as a baby.

Dance of the Week

Today is Tuesday, which means you get the pleasure of watching the dance of the week.  This week we are going international and traveling to Japan to find our winner.  I give this dance a score of 7.5 out of 10.  Village People, watch out!

John Daly

Do I look scared?

Watching this may scar you for life, but I'll bet you do it anyway

Monday, April 28, 2008

The Burgundy Special

A day late.....

It's good to see that IRB? is able to find time to post in between his multiple IRB? Specials. For all of those who don't know what a IRB? Special is, it is when Mr. I'm Ron Burgundy? ski poles two dudes at the same time.



THE SKI POLE


The actual act of giving two dudes hand jobs, simultaneously.

Mr IRB? is an expert in this feat. He trains for the IRB? Special when he is not getting sweet tats of birds. This is a picture of IRB? training for his fabled Special.







If you are curious about the iRB? Special, you can always contact him from one of his many emails that he sends every day. He wants to tell everybody about his sweet plans for the week, mostly which is giving the IRB? Special. He is the official town crier.




Aside from pushing his talent, he wants to social network so that everyone will like him. He talks and talk and talks most likely in hope that people will forget that he can't grow a real beard. The best he can do is grow chin pubes.




His facial hair serves a purpose though, if you are lucky enough to get a IRB? Special, you might be able to convince him to use his chin pubes as a ball tickler.


Although to his credit, he does practice discretion. He is one of many doing their parts maintaining to prevent the spread of Gingervitis.





-CHET

A Pre-Game to the Dance of the Week

Since this week is the first weekly posting of "Dance of the Week" I thought it would be appropriate to give you a little tasting of what is to come and get you warmed up.  Chet, you may not want to get up for a while after seeing this one.

Great Basketball Game

I'll continue ART's theme of kids sucking and getting taken down, this time by a basketball

Lightning Bolt Monday - Shocking You Back to Work! (4/28/08)

So I was just informed (at 4:15pm) that I am going to contribute a weekly post on Monday. I have no idea what that will be, but for now it's going to be "Lightning Bolt Mondays - Shocking you back to work!" Maybe I'll change it next week, maybe I won't. Maybe I'll change it every week - I haven't decided yet.

For now enjoy nerds playing dress up in the forest. They probably call it an enchanted forest or some crap, I call them wastes of space. Hopefully they'll at least grow up to be some nerdy engineer type and design a nuclear-powered car so I don't have to pay $4/gallon for gas, I just have to worry if the nuclear engine will give me ball cancer.



Also, why waste all that time with the lightning bolt when you can just use death?

Ninja Cat

Another reason why cats rock and kids totally suck.

Kid gets Served

A clip for those who love break dancing and hate kids.

Chet is a real son of a bitch

This past Friday, an inebriated Chet promised that he would make a post on Sunday.  As you know, he did not make a post this weekend, and by all assumptions he didn't even try.  Since he has made no posts and not introduced himself to the public, I'd like to introduce Chet to you.

Here are the things that Chet likes:

1)  Having a sketchy beard.  It is believed that Chet was born with his beard, making him the ugliest baby in the history of the world.


2)  Having cool "scruffy" hair.  Maybe this goes along with the sketchy beard, in an attempt to look like the second coming of Christ.


3)  Boone's Farm.  I realize he's not the only person to partake in a race to Boone's Farm around these parts, but he and Captain Insano have an inexplicable obsession with the Boone's Farm.  At least he doesn't drink Arbor Mist.

Lastly, Chet is the sole survivor of the Edmund Fitzgerald wreck in 1975.  This might seem surprising, but given his grizzled looks, it makes sense that he is either 1) a lumberjack, 2) a dirty old bum, or 3) a sailor.  Due to his lack of flannel, he is neither a lumberjack nor a bum. You may be confused about this story, because there were no survivors of the wreck.  This leaves only one conclusion:  
Chet is a ghost.  And we all know that ghosts can't blog.



Nice try, stupid ghost Chet.

This was a good idea?




"So, uh, guys. I am going to uh jump up in the air, attempt to land my nuts square on this rail, and uh end all chances I ever had of making children. Anybody think this is a bad idea? Seriously, anybody? No? OK then here we go."

Friday, April 25, 2008

I don't speak freaky-deaky Dutch



Yeah, so it is Portuguese, and I still can't understand a freaking word of it. I am not sure that I want to. This is totally one of those videos that is better when you imagine what they could possibly be fighting about. I would like to believe it is over who will get into the mud wrestling pit with me first. But, to each his own.

Welcome to the Weekend

Time to drink your sorrows away!



I'm getting out work early today. Time to get out of here in 30 minutes beeee-othces!

Still better than your school

See more funny videos at CollegeHumor

What would Jeff Goldblum do?


Be honest with yourself, you're going to be a bit paranoid the next time you go to the bathroom.

Animals know drama

Prairie dogs have acquired (through evolution) the ability to produce stunning, dramatic facial effects making them one of the most dangerous sexual predators in the animal kingdom.

More Ahhhhnold

This has to be my favorite Arnold clip. It's from the movie Pumping Iron which I fully recommend you check it if you haven't seen it. I'd try to provide appropriate commentary for this scene, but it really stands by itself.


Thursday, April 24, 2008

Speaking of Ahhnold

Get to ze choppah

"Rio, one of the most beautiful cities in the world . . ."

Learn the finer points of groping from the Governor of California!!
POWER!!

Ninja Monkey

What's better than a monkey becoming faint after smelling it's own DANK ass or urinating FURIOUSly into it's own mouth? Probably nothing...but here's a monkey flipping out HARD anyway.

I'm Ron Burgundy?'s Classy People of the week

Each and every Thursday, I'll bring you an amazing story of some classless classy people.  To start things out, I'm going with an old standby - a favorite of mine, if you will.

Everybody loves St Paddy's Day.  If you don't, you're an asshole.  Even crackheads love St Paddy's Day.  Alcoholics drink green beer, and potheads smoke green pot on St Paddy's, so it only makes sense that crackheads get to celebrate with green crack.  

Luckily these five smart, talented, and food-coloring supplied individuals from Marietta, Ohio realized this.  However, they also got arrested.  Some extra details can be found here.

I don't have much more to tell you about these people, but here's what I like to think happened:

They were out on their yacht (the men wearing frilly ascots), perhaps enjoying a fine single malt scotch.  It suddenly dawned on them that not everyone enjoys a fine Jameson or a delicious Guinness on St Patty's day and they decided that green crack cocaine would be a more than appropriate enterprise to take up.

Unfortunately, they got caught in a botched deal in their gated mansion, much like this one:



Thus, they were caught while trying to spread the holiday cheer.  The purchasing crackhead was reported to fit this description:

God Bless the Midwest.

Indian Walter

For many people, traveling to a foreign land can be an enlightening and rewarding experience. Unfortunately (in India) after multiple monkey bites and several violent gastrointestinal episodes, a healthy American will be instantaneously transformed into his flamboyantly gay (homosexual) Indian counterpart.

Wednesday, April 23, 2008

99 Words

Not now Chief, I'm in the f$%@ing zone

Since we introduced Yeti in two earlier posts today I thought maybe we should start a get to know your poster series.

In this video you can get to know ART (Awesome Rockin' Tits)

He likes:
Working out
Sleeping in
Working out
Camping
Kettle Bells
Bicycle Helmets

He dislikes:
Teaching
Getting into work before 10am
Stupidity by Roommates

Pac Man eats ass

This raises a few questions:
1) Where do the ghosts come out of?
2) Wasn't the background in Pacman Black?
3) What awesome tramp stamp was above this monstrosity?
4) How depressed will this girl's kids be on the day they finally realize what their dad meant when he said that he and mommy were "going upstairs to play pacman"?

A little too close for comfort


Did someone rip ass?
"Doorknob!"

Riverdance Meets International Soccer


Commander Flex Plexico's Mustache of the Week (4/21): Inaugural Edition




                                                Rollie Fingers: Raw Steel and Sex Appeal

To give hope to some of our less follicly gifted readers, Mr. Fingers didn't always sport such a manly 'stache:
 

















Is that a hall-of-fame pitcher, or your Chem I TA??

Interestingly enough, Mr. Fingers grew his mustache on a bet, as all great mustaches have been grown from the beginning of time.  Also of particular note, Finger's hadn't posted an ERA below 3.3 before the year 1972, when it dropped precipitously to 2.5, followed by a 1.9 a year later!!  I'll give you one guess: what year do you think he grew his mustache??  That's right, 19-fuckin'-72!!!  This alone raises some questions.  Obviously, the power of his mustache aided in the drop in ERA.  Fingers chalked up 113 strike outs in 1972; conservative estimates say his mustache alone struck out 78 batters.  Who needs HGH ??  Grow a 'stache pansies, performance enhancing facial hair!!  However, I ask you, how could this man invest the time required for his career to flourish when he most obviously was also involved in the adult entertainment industry (hypothetically)??  And if he had no role in skin films, the question remains, have you ever seen a name / mustache combination more perfectly suited to porn in your life (besides, of course, Commander Flex Plexico)??

Rollie receives 10 Golden Moustachios out of 10.  We here at Commander Flex Plexico's Mustache of the Week salute you, Sir.

Until next week, I leave you with a quote from that Domino's commercial, "Give it time, Kevin.  It'll fill out."

-The Commander

Oh Yeah?

Not a ginger, but it gets the point across...


Ginger-vitis

We should maintain vigilance against the threat of ginger kinds. I think Cartman really puts the threat in proper the perspective.

Required reading


Since 2/7 of our "staff" members fall in this category, I thought I would warn the world of the harm that is the ginger.  Friends don't let friends get really red.  More importantly, friends will smother their friends babies if they turn out be gingers.  You can donate the money to me, and I'll be sure to forward it to Dr Pullmeov.

I've looked better

Tuesday, April 22, 2008

Can You Smeeeeeeeeeeelllllllllllll what Barak is Cooking?

I can!

The ultimate decision making tool


Do you think this is where Chet got his from??

Get Your Shots, Kids

It's for your health!

Why you should cheese



Tits are awesome. They come in many shapes, sizes, colors, and even shapes. This is pretty much what I see every time I close my eyes.

Beat to the Punch

Getting beat to the punch isn't all that new to me, but I was only hoping that the first video I could post would be the monkey butt. Now all is lost. So I will continue writing meaningless drivel, and I am refusing to add a video to my effort here.

Hope you're proud of yourself Burgundy.

Welcome

So a lot of dumb shit will be posted here in the future.  Thought we'd start it out with a little monkey butt action.



Welcome to the end of the world.