IRB's Classy People of the Week: August 14th

This post could also be named: Reasons the French suck, part 3

As an athlete the goal is always to win (unless you're Larry Hughes). This being the case, a lot of times a win is necessary for the athlete and his team to succeed and reach the next level. Many times athletes step over the line of being smart and begin to make guarantees. There is nothing classier than a guaranteed win. Except a guaranteed win that doesn't work out.

Example 1: Fresh in our minds



Some stupid world-record holding Frog said "The Americans? We're going to smash them. That's what we came here for." Sounds like a guarantee to me. Except he got caught by a 31-year old anchor leg that was a full length behind with 50 meters to go. Douchebag.

Example 2: Is it even an accomplishment?



"We're going to win next week," Hart said. "There's no question in my mind. I guarantee we will win next week. I'm going to get this team ready. Guaranteed." This is a quote from Michigan's Mighty Mouse, Mike Hart prior to playing Notre Dame. The Michigan-ND game tends to be highly competitive and is a game between traditional powerhouses. This being said, Mike Hart made the guarantee when his team was 0-2, and so was Notre Dame. Way to go after the big guys, douchebag. In other news, I guarantee I'll crush an empty beer can with my bare hands.

Example 3: Guaran-Sheed



Rasheed Wallace is ugly and a jackass. That's all. Also, Detroit lost. Douchebags.

Example 4: Speaking of Detroit...



Jon Kitna - spells his name without the H cause he's too cool. Also guarantees making the playoffs, and subsequently failing. At least Jesus loves him.

IRB's Classy People of the Week: Olympic edition

In the Olympic spirit, this week’s classy people are those that are hosting the games - the Chinese. What’s classy about the Chinese? Fashion that just won’t go away is timeless. A blatant disregard for human rights. Seven foot monsters. Eating cats. Filling up American graduate programs. Let’s take a deep look at each of these:

1) Kickin it old school



Some would say that China is becoming increasingly modern - they are coming into the global economy, modernization is rampant, technology is everywhere. This is true - only in the cities. Most of China is more backwoods than a Kentucky swamp. The main modern thing about China is the fact that certain Americans (Art) wear hats that approximate ching-chong hats - that and the fact that they love to wear Nadal pants. That and they love basketball. Lots of ching-chong hip-hop.

2) Human rights



I’m not one to harp about stuff. A lot has been said about Tibet and the situation there. The Olympics bring the host country under a microscope, and this is the biggest story so far. Lots of uber-liberals (see: europe and san francisco) have protested (liberals protest? no...) the Olympic games. I don’t really know much about it, but when China hosts international fight clubs starring Van Damme, I know things are bad. Just check out the crazy dude they entered into the fight, Chong Li.




Side note: Chinese can’t clap or cheer to any discernible beat.

3) Seven foot monsters.



Tell me Yao Ming isn’t a monster. I don’t believe you. Same with Yi Jianlian. Monsters. Injured reserve? I think Yao has been scaling the Empire State Building and the Rockets can’t find him. Injured reserve is a convenient excuse for his not playing.



4) Eating cats.



That’s just gross.

5) Filling up American graduate schools



The other main story coming from Beijing is the weather situation. American cyclists showed up at Bejing’s airport looking like Billy the Kid. This is because the Chinese have such bad pollution (still kickin’ it old school) that the air is horrendously polluted and a smog fills the city. The Chinese think they can fix this. They can - because all their scientists and engineers studied in America, land of all that is good. The Chinese are excellent at filling up graduate programs in the United States, and outperforming the domestics. Maybe it’s cause we like to party. Maybe it’s because we’re sweet. But dammit, the Chinese are classy and there’s nothing we can do to stop them.

IRB's Classy People of the Week: Walter edition

This week’s “classy people of the week” is a misnomer - Walter is this week’s classy person of the week. Why is Walter classy? Cause it’s his mothafuckin birfday, and we all know Thursday birthdays lead to classy nights out, and even classier hangovers/reduced work productivity on Friday.

For those of you who aren’t too familiar with Walter’s exploits, I’ll sum up why he’s classy in the next few paragraphs. Don’t worry, there will be pictures for you illiterate Jersey trash.

Reason 1: Canadian power trio



Walter loves him some Rush. Alex Lifeson, Neal Peart, and Geddy Lee really rev his engine. I know what you’re thinking - who doesn’t love a smack of Xanadu across the forehead? Everybody loves Rush. It’s Uncanadian not to. However, Walter’s love of Rush exceeds the occasional “It’s Rush!” text message. His love of Rush is such that he gets excited enough to call me an tell me to buy Rock Band just to play Tom Sawyer. Little does he know that ART and I are planning to start a Tom Sawyer cover band. With real instruments.

Reason 2: Publicly blowing Charlie Weis



As any good Catholic college graduate four year old Notre Dame alum does, Walter thoroughly enjoys Notre Dame Football. And to be fair, yes - I personally enjoy a nice sweater vest every now and again. However, my team didn’t lose to Navy this past year. Walter’s shameless love of all things Cheezburger Charlie leads him to continually talk up the playcaller for the Irish, all the while trashing a certain former coach. It’s OK Walter, I hear that having “real academic standards” is a fair excuse for losing to USC all the time. Oh wait...

Reason 3: India



Everyone wants to travel extensively in their life. A lot of people see travel as a bonus when it’s part of their job. Getting a raise to do so is always nice. It’s a great bargaining chip when you point out the lack of modern living as a way to get more money. Walter himself once told me “When I go I’m pretty sure I’m gonna lose 20 pounds from the heat and from shitting my brains out all day”. The classiest part is the fact that he still hasn’t had to go, after 7 months on the job. Way to finagle more money for nothing you jerk. At least whenever you go, you might get to meet her.

Reason 4: KG



No, he’s not Kevin Garnett. He’s the one, the only Kentucky Gentleman. What’s KG? Just piss poor whiskey. When Walter gets too much in him, he morphs into his alter ego, the Shaftmaster*. In attempts to win beer pong matches, Scrotes McGee is known to expose himself as a defensive move. Think the Statue of Liberty play, adapted for beer pong. And including shaft. Pretty much looks like this:



The shot was too far into the video, but search franks and beans on YouTube if you want to laugh for a while. So not only is he competitive, but he’s pretty much a serial flasher. Classy.

So In summation, Walter is classy as hell. I’d love for you all to share your stories about Walter if you have any more in the comments section. Happy Birthday you son of a bitch. Have a pint of the Gent for me. Here’s a song:

Note: I can't believe Shaftmaster.com isn't porn.

IRB's Classy People of the Week: June 26th

Everybody loves music, even if it is shitty Swedish music. Almost everybody loves sports (hell even hippies love frisbee). But when the two mix, that's when things are at their classiest. So this week's classy people of the week are athletes who have music albums (also known as mathletes).

I know what you're thinking - how is this different from a celebrity releasing an album and hoping it does well based on their popularity? Well, to begin with athletes are just cooler. It'd be a hell of a lot more fun to hang out with someone like Jon Daly than Johnny Depp any day of the week. They get paid as much, but they get to play games for a living. The American Dream is playing sports for a living (or inventing something dumb like the drop ceiling) and getting rich. If you have the extra cash laying around, why not make an album?

Here's a few reasons why sports albums are shitclassy:

1) ESPN pushes the fact that they have an album and shove it down our throats - especially if they're from Boston or New York.



Bronson Arroyo plays the guitar. He recorded an album after the Sox won their first recent Series. According to Wikipedia one song on his album was a collaboration with Johnny Damon, Kevin Youkilis, and Lenny Denardo - the fucking Red Sox victory song. Way to cash in on opportunity, douchebag. Nice cornrows by the way. I guess he's going along with the idea that you need to have cornrows to release an album. The precedent has been set in the past, by guys like AI. Cornrows are classy.

2) To be a legit album, you ought to spell your name out as an acronym, like N.E.R.D. or O.A.R.



This is exactly the formula that Kobe (pre-rape) followed to make his album, which featured 50 Cent, Tyra Banks, and Broady Boy. Even more proof that Kobe can't win by himself.

3) You rap about how hard things have been for you (while suspended from your sport)



I know Artest had lots of time on his hands after beating Eminem's ass in the stands in Detroit, but come on - you're a professional athlete, not a rapper. At least he recorded a song about what happened in the Palace. Because we all needed to be reminded of it. Call me when you sell over 400 copies of your album in one week. Making a poor selling album is classy.

4) Your album is in French.



Isn't there some law against French point guards trying to look hard? More on this another day. Tony Parker - reasons the French suck, part 2.

5) One album can't stop you because you're a nonstop rapping machine.




Now Shaq's rapping is awesome, mainly because Shaq is the man. He turns the table on another rapping athlete (and rapist) Kobe Bryant. This happened in the past week and served as my motivation.



You stay Classy Shaq Diesel. Kobe - tell me how my ass taste.

As a side note - Check out Jon Kitna's wikipedia page and pay close attention to his college career. Also worth noting is the fact that he spells his first name without the "H" because he thinks he's too cool for that.

IRB's Classy People of the Week: June 20th

This week's classy people of the week are a group near and dear to my heart: people who can't meet deadlines.

Usually deadlines are set to keep people productive and keep creativity flowing. This is done to get things done. Sometimes deadlines aren't met.

Unofficial deadlines tend to not be met more often than they actually are met (see: blogging).

So this week, I'll highlight a few classy people who can't meet deadlines:

Chet. Has posted about 50% of the time.

Walter. Nearly always posts, although they're usually late.

CFP. Disappeared for about 6 weeks. No post this week.

Myself. Late this week, depressed because of it.

Yea, so I really mailed this one in. At least I made a post.

Happy weekend. Boss is gone, huzzah!

IRB's Classy People of the Week: June 12th

This week's classy people of the week are a group of people that had their prime about 40 years ago but won't go away. Before you get angry and tell me that we still need people fighting for civil rights, hold your horses. I'm talking about hippies. Hippies are quite dirtyclassy, and I think I'll convince you in the next few paragraphs.

Here are some reasons hippies are classy:

1) Tie-dye



Now I enjoy a psychedelic t-shirt as much as the next person. However, hippies take the shit to a "high"er level. And we all know that nothing matches a tie-dye shirt better than a headband.

2) Not showering



Now I understand that we should conserve resources. That's why I drive 20 mph on the highway and I reuse condoms. However, personal hygiene is extraordinarily important in today's society, even if you do want to work at Ben and Jerry's.

3) Driving across the country in a psychedelic van



Nothing is better than a spiritual quest. Especially when you cram in a bus with a bunch of other people who don't shower and trip balls for 2 straight weeks, which leads me to...

4) Drugs



Hippies love to expand their thoughts, possibly trying to come up with words for new colors, or new words for colors that already exist. Typical drugs ingested include weed, acid, and mushrooms. There is a direct correlation between drug intake and grunginess.

5) Protests



By protesting, hippies have a way of annoying the rest of the world when they aren't eating vegetarian burritos. When combined with working to stop drug bans, hippies are at their happiest. If not protesting for drugs, hippies will protest war so that they can have a love-in.

6) Not shaving



Hippies love beards. She-hippies love pit hair.

At the end of the day I have to say all these things make hippies seem quite classy. It also seems Chet may be a hippie.

What do you think?

IRB's Classy People of the Week: June 5th

This week's classy people of the week are a group of folks that like to party - hockey players. Who doesn't like to party? Not anybody I want to know. Following a big win (say in game 6 of the Stanley Cup Finals), the team likes to party. Lord Stanley's Cup is by far the best trophy/cup/medal/ribbon/bowl you can win. You spend your whole life training for it. You spend 2 months growing a playoff beard for it. There is only one Stanley Cup, and it keeps growing. If your team wins the cup, you're on it forever. However, the cup is classy mainly because you can put things in it.

What things? How about, say, a 6 month old baby. Nothing classier than putting your child up about 6 feet in the air in a bowl for a photo opportunity.


Now, it's well know that hockey players (much like baseball players) like to drink. Well goddamn, you can put booze in it too!


After that, you drink out of the cup.


Traditionally, players can take the cup home with them for a day. Each player can do what they want with it, as long as they're accompanied by a member of the Hockey Hall of Fame.

It's gotta be awkward standing outside a guys bedroom when you know he's doing this with the cup:


Of course, the gayestclassiest thing hockey players do immediately follows the end of the game. They cheer, yell, cry, and then jump in a man-pile around the cup. Example:


That's a big beard-pile.

IRB's Classy People of the Week: May 22

Who is classier than a creepy ass movie star? Nobody. That's why this week's classy person of the week is Kurt Russell.

Oh, you don't think he's creepy classy? Here's some evidence:

1) Nothing is classier than starting your life dressed like somebody out of the Bee Gees. Or Goodfellas. Don't get much better than that.



2a) Nothing is classier than starring in a futurpocalypse movie.



2b) And then following it up with another.



3)How about playing a pervy sea captain? He probably wants to let you swab his poop deck.



4) Or maybe wearing a Tsingtao shirt while hanging out with two dudes who look like the pervy Eurotrash from Eurotrip.



5) How about dressing up as a fireman in order to climb up into someone's bedroom unnoticed?



6) He also stars in G-rated Disney hockey movies. That's as classy as it comes. Instead of being ranked up there with Paul Newman from Slap Shot , he's side-by-side with Gordon Bombay. We all know hockey is for real men, not Disney lore.



If you haven't been convinced Kurt Russell is classy as hell, I ask you to look no further than the movie Death Proof. Not only is he super pervy, but he's a stuntman. Who stares into the camera and fucks your soul. Then kills cars full of attractive ladies, for no apparent reason.





To conclude:
Kurt Russell is creepy classy as shit. Maybe it's not really Kurt Russell, but the roles he chooses to play. But anybody who stares into the camera like that is a stone cold creep.

You stay classy, Kurt Russell.

IRB?'s Classy People of the Week, May 15th

Maybe it’s because I’ve taken my namesake from the legendary Ron Burgundy.  Maybe it’s got something to do with the relative ease difficulty of noticing the “on air” light.  Maybe it's because we all think we could report the news better than half these clowns.  Or maybe it's because this is what YouTube was invented for.

Newscasters are my classy people of the week.  Why?  None of this is new, but here's my evidence:

I know what you're going to say.  Of course a New York City news reporter is classy.  Everyone in New York City is classy.  You're right.  So what the fuck are you doing?  Probably sipping a Perrier, wearing a cravat and playing croquet.  Stay classy New York City.



Nothing is classier than reporting sledding from the bottom of the hill.  Because if you report from the top, you're a pussy.  If you report from the bottom, get mowed over, do a flip, and finish your segment... well you're still a pussy, but at least you did an awesome flip.



Good, classy news starts with connection with the listener.  If you're on camera, you should look at the working camera.  When reporting from the field, you should look directly at the only camera there.  However, you probably should keep an eye out for what's in front of you.



One of the best ways to connect with your listeners is to go to a classy local event and inform them of the fun they can have.  Wine is a classy thing, and making wine is even classier.  Stomping out wine like the ancients is about as classy as it gets.  Honestly, who's classier than the booze pounding, orgy loving, bisexual, pedophile, deity-banging Greeks?  Also, watch out for that step, it's a doozy.  My only reluctance to use this as classy evidence is the fact that it doesn't help to scream and moan like a choad when trying to report classy things.



However, I will say that there have been some very classy news reporters.  For instance Erin Andrews.  She’s classy.  Because she’s a good sports journalist.  She seems to take the obsession of her from the interwebs and on college campuses in stride. That’s why.  I feel obligated to post here about EA not only because she's classy, but because people show up to our blog by searching for her.



You stay classy, Erin Andrews.

IRB?'s Classy People of the Week, May 8th

Before I get started, I'd like to apologize for big Flex.  He couldn't post a mustache of the week yesterday because his wrists are too limp (see: flaming).  Hopefully he'll be back next week.

This week's classy people of the week are a group that we all love.  They are looked down upon, but not in an "I'm better than you" sort of way.  They entertain us.  They combine everyone's love of professional wrestling with the hilarity cuteness classiness of a little person.  That's right.  Midget wrestlers are this week's classy people of the week.

I'm not one to mock midgets, seeing as how some would say I border on being a midget, my being 5'8".  I've been to Casey's Draft House in Pittsburgh, and love me some midget as much as everyone else.  When someone throws $10 down on the bar and a midget jumps on the bar and pours a shot into everyone at the bar's mouth, you can't help but love midgets.  Midgets provide booze.

Pittsburgh hasn't figured out political correctness just yet.

So midgets are just classy as hell in general, as we have seen.  Combine this with the already classy professional wrasslin, and you might as well get in your Bentley move the the Hamptons.

When put in the ring, a midget is as classy as they come.  Point A:

This furry guy.

This beast combines the awesomeness of a midget and wrestling, he also embodies flamboyant mexican luchadores.  Not only is he nimble (as all midget wrestlers must be to overcome their lack of power) but he's also furry.  How is that a good thing?  It just is.  Best of all he allows himself to have this happen to him:

Oh, I guess I should have said that if you're squeamish you might not want to watch this.

Point B:

Due to their diminutive stature, midget wrestlers are able to accomplish feats that normal sized wrestlers cannot achieve.  They can simply run between a full-sized wrestler's legs, without having to duck or slow down.  Most importantly they have abnormally thick skin on their foreheads, which allows them to pull off this most impressive move:

Also, my bad.  Kinda gross.

Add all these facts that the well known fact that midgets have an organ whose sole purpose is to produce magic, and we've got our classy people of the week.

I'm Ron Burgundy?'s Classy People of the Week: May 1st, 2008

It's Thursday, which means it's Classy People of the Week time.  Who is classier than a bum?  Nobody I know.  Here's a list of reasons I think bums are as sad, depressing, and worthless classy as they come.

1)  Beards.  

Chet loves bums for this reason.  A lot of men enjoy a good beard but grow beards for reasons such as appearing educated or for hockey playoffs.  Bums grow beards for one reason: because they can.  Nothing is classier than doing whatever the hell you want.

2) Shameless begging.

You know when you're short 5 bucks and really want to get a 12-rack of natural light, but you'd rather not ask your roommate/boss/wife/parents because you're afraid of getting shot down?  Bums make you look like a pussy.  Why be afraid of asking, when you can ask all day every day?  Why not ask so many times that your throat hurts and it's easier just to make a sign?  Plus, signs get through to people who are too busy listening to their iPod to listen to you ask for booze money.  Not making people remove their headphones is classy.

3) Dumpster diving.  

Remember when you were little and you saw some food that looked really good?  Maybe it was on the counter but not on a plate - you grabbed it and your mom told you not to eat it because it was dirty.  Remember that?  You're a douche, and so is your mom.  Classy folks aren't afraid to go get what they want, even if that means it's in a dumpster.  In a dumpster means surrounded by other garbage, which many times includes animal waste.  But seriously, the hell with sanitation.  That half a creamsickle is worth it.  Creamsickles are classy.

4) Humor

When all else fails, you have to look to humor.  If you lose your sense of humor, all is lost.  Bums never lose their sense of humor.  Not even when two bums invest 50/50 in a new shopping cart.  They get the new cart.  Bum A goes to sleep that night happy, only to find out that sonofabitch Roscoe stole off in the middle of the night with the shopping cart and all my the Bum A's belongings, including his favorite stick and half a melted creamsickle.  Bums never lose humor.  Ever.  And humor is classy (at least that's what we keep telling ourselves at this blog).

5) Bums make us feel better about ourselves.

One encounter with a bum will make you say "Damn, things could be worse."  That, or "God damn you Roscoe, where's my fucking creamsickle?"  Making people feel better about themselves is classy.

Fuck Roscoe.