Lightning Bolt Monday - Shocking You Back to Work! (5/14/08)

Turns out that at my job they want you to actually work and do stuff, not just play on the interwebs all day. Due to that fact I'm bringing you a special midweek edition of the Lightning Bolt of the week. I won't shock you back into the week, but I will give your midweek a jolt. Of course by jolt I mean a compilation of hilarious monkey videos, because if there is one thing this site does well (and there isn't), it's bringing you monkey videos.

First off, the trunk monkey. These are some great ads. They really make you wish the trunk monkey is real. If I had a nickel for every time I needed a monkey to some dude's ass, kick some kid's ass, act as midwife, bribe a police officer, hit a car thief on the head, or protect my daughter I'd be a rich man.


Other things monkeys are awesome at - drinking:


smoking:


push-ups:


rocking out like Slash:


riding motorcycles


In case you've missed the point monkeys kick ass, and you don't - especially you Captain Insano.

Does anybody dislike us this much?

Time for a bit of current events:

Sports writers don't like sports bloggers.  A lot of people enjoy the sports blogs that are out there but what about the other, dumber blogs?  Where does that leave us, the bloggers in the stupidity business?

I'd assume we're fine, since nobody reads this shit.  If they do, they obviously just want a waste of time, or are reading it to make us feel better (or because we asked them to drop by).  It's like when you're a little kid and you draw the stupidest looking monkey ever.  You show your mom because you're proud of it.  She looks because she wants you to feel better about yourself.  I'm 78% sure that's what our few readers do - they read this blog so that we feel better about ourselves.

So what journalists have we offended?  In looking at the posts so far, I'm assuming we've offended the following people:

1) gingers

2) kids

3) asians

4) indians

5) beardos

6) breakdancers

7) ghosts

8) families of the edmund fitzgerald's crew

9) arnold

10) women

11) green crack dealers

12) people who can't grow sweet mustaches

People who write "real" media (e.g. radio, newspaper, magazine) about these things might not like us.  It's ok.  Nobody likes us.  But we like this monkey, and I hope you do too:

Ninja Monkey

What's better than a monkey becoming faint after smelling it's own DANK ass or urinating FURIOUSly into it's own mouth? Probably nothing...but here's a monkey flipping out HARD anyway.

Welcome

So a lot of dumb shit will be posted here in the future.  Thought we'd start it out with a little monkey butt action.

Welcome to the end of the world.