IRB's Classy People of the Week: Olympic edition

In the Olympic spirit, this week’s classy people are those that are hosting the games - the Chinese. What’s classy about the Chinese? Fashion that just won’t go away is timeless. A blatant disregard for human rights. Seven foot monsters. Eating cats. Filling up American graduate programs. Let’s take a deep look at each of these:

1) Kickin it old school



Some would say that China is becoming increasingly modern - they are coming into the global economy, modernization is rampant, technology is everywhere. This is true - only in the cities. Most of China is more backwoods than a Kentucky swamp. The main modern thing about China is the fact that certain Americans (Art) wear hats that approximate ching-chong hats - that and the fact that they love to wear Nadal pants. That and they love basketball. Lots of ching-chong hip-hop.

2) Human rights



I’m not one to harp about stuff. A lot has been said about Tibet and the situation there. The Olympics bring the host country under a microscope, and this is the biggest story so far. Lots of uber-liberals (see: europe and san francisco) have protested (liberals protest? no...) the Olympic games. I don’t really know much about it, but when China hosts international fight clubs starring Van Damme, I know things are bad. Just check out the crazy dude they entered into the fight, Chong Li.




Side note: Chinese can’t clap or cheer to any discernible beat.

3) Seven foot monsters.



Tell me Yao Ming isn’t a monster. I don’t believe you. Same with Yi Jianlian. Monsters. Injured reserve? I think Yao has been scaling the Empire State Building and the Rockets can’t find him. Injured reserve is a convenient excuse for his not playing.



4) Eating cats.



That’s just gross.

5) Filling up American graduate schools



The other main story coming from Beijing is the weather situation. American cyclists showed up at Bejing’s airport looking like Billy the Kid. This is because the Chinese have such bad pollution (still kickin’ it old school) that the air is horrendously polluted and a smog fills the city. The Chinese think they can fix this. They can - because all their scientists and engineers studied in America, land of all that is good. The Chinese are excellent at filling up graduate programs in the United States, and outperforming the domestics. Maybe it’s cause we like to party. Maybe it’s because we’re sweet. But dammit, the Chinese are classy and there’s nothing we can do to stop them.

Ghost of the Week

After being exposed as a ghost last week, I have had some time to think. Some of you right now are getting chubs thinking about Dan Aykroyd and Bill Murray and saying, I ain't afraid of no ghosts. Well, there are several reasons not to mess with ghosts. The first is, you can't kill a ghost. Second, we will haunt your ass. Third, we don't sleep. And most importantly, we are selective; there are no ginger ghosts. This is because ginger kids have no souls.

Don't mess with ghosts, unless you happen to be one, or want to be one, except gingers.

I'm Ron Burgundy?'s Classy People of the week

Each and every Thursday, I'll bring you an amazing story of some classless classy people.  To start things out, I'm going with an old standby - a favorite of mine, if you will.

Everybody loves St Paddy's Day.  If you don't, you're an asshole.  Even crackheads love St Paddy's Day.  Alcoholics drink green beer, and potheads smoke green pot on St Paddy's, so it only makes sense that crackheads get to celebrate with green crack.  

Luckily these five smart, talented, and food-coloring supplied individuals from Marietta, Ohio realized this.  However, they also got arrested.  Some extra details can be found here.

I don't have much more to tell you about these people, but here's what I like to think happened:

They were out on their yacht (the men wearing frilly ascots), perhaps enjoying a fine single malt scotch.  It suddenly dawned on them that not everyone enjoys a fine Jameson or a delicious Guinness on St Patty's day and they decided that green crack cocaine would be a more than appropriate enterprise to take up.

Unfortunately, they got caught in a botched deal in their gated mansion, much like this one:

Thus, they were caught while trying to spread the holiday cheer.  The purchasing crackhead was reported to fit this description:

God Bless the Midwest.