Welcome to the inaugural edition of Commander Flex Plexico's Mustache of the Week, sponsored by the fine people at McMurry's Mustache Wax: You can't be furry without McMurry's!
Each week, I'll be chronicling notable examples of the most manly, badass, and all around awesome facial accessory known to man: the mustache. If you're reading this, I'm sure you already know how totally sweet mustaches are. In some of the more fainthearted states in our country, men are required to carry proper documentation verifying their ability to wield such egregious upper lip homages to all that is man. These posts will be your weekly source for some of the greatest examples of mustaches throughout the years, belittling your own puny attempts at facial hair immortality. Look on, fair reader, and cower at the sight of . . . . . . . . . THE MUSTACHE OF THE WEEK!!
Given that this is the inaugural edition of CFP's MotW, I'm going to go all out. I'm talking about the OG of the nose neighbor: one Mr. Rollie Fingers. You may know him as the lights-out, hall-of-fame closer who used to pitch for the A's in the 1970's and 80's, but his real claim to fame is his trademark handlebar mustache:
Rollie Fingers: Raw Steel and Sex Appeal
To give hope to some of our less follicly gifted readers, Mr. Fingers didn't always sport such a manly 'stache:
Is that a hall-of-fame pitcher, or your Chem I TA??
Interestingly enough, Mr. Fingers grew his mustache on a bet, as all great mustaches have been grown from the beginning of time. Also of particular note, Finger's hadn't posted an ERA below 3.3 before the year 1972, when it dropped precipitously to 2.5, followed by a 1.9 a year later!! I'll give you one guess: what year do you think he grew his mustache?? That's right, 19-fuckin'-72!!! This alone raises some questions. Obviously, the power of his mustache aided in the drop in ERA. Fingers chalked up 113 strike outs in 1972; conservative estimates say his mustache alone struck out 78 batters. Who needs HGH ?? Grow a 'stache pansies, performance enhancing facial hair!! However, I ask you, how could this man invest the time required for his career to flourish when he most obviously was also involved in the adult entertainment industry (hypothetically)?? And if he had no role in skin films, the question remains, have you ever seen a name / mustache combination more perfectly suited to porn in your life (besides, of course, Commander Flex Plexico)??
Rollie receives 10 Golden Moustachios out of 10. We here at Commander Flex Plexico's Mustache of the Week salute you, Sir.
Until next week, I leave you with a quote from that Domino's commercial, "Give it time, Kevin. It'll fill out."