Thursday, May 1, 2008

I'm Ron Burgundy?'s Classy People of the Week: May 1st, 2008

It's Thursday, which means it's Classy People of the Week time.  Who is classier than a bum?  Nobody I know.  Here's a list of reasons I think bums are as sad, depressing, and worthless classy as they come.

1)  Beards.  

Chet loves bums for this reason.  A lot of men enjoy a good beard but grow beards for reasons such as appearing educated or for hockey playoffs.  Bums grow beards for one reason: because they can.  Nothing is classier than doing whatever the hell you want.

2) Shameless begging.

You know when you're short 5 bucks and really want to get a 12-rack of natural light, but you'd rather not ask your roommate/boss/wife/parents because you're afraid of getting shot down?  Bums make you look like a pussy.  Why be afraid of asking, when you can ask all day every day?  Why not ask so many times that your throat hurts and it's easier just to make a sign?  Plus, signs get through to people who are too busy listening to their iPod to listen to you ask for booze money.  Not making people remove their headphones is classy.

3) Dumpster diving.  

Remember when you were little and you saw some food that looked really good?  Maybe it was on the counter but not on a plate - you grabbed it and your mom told you not to eat it because it was dirty.  Remember that?  You're a douche, and so is your mom.  Classy folks aren't afraid to go get what they want, even if that means it's in a dumpster.  In a dumpster means surrounded by other garbage, which many times includes animal waste.  But seriously, the hell with sanitation.  That half a creamsickle is worth it.  Creamsickles are classy.

4) Humor

When all else fails, you have to look to humor.  If you lose your sense of humor, all is lost.  Bums never lose their sense of humor.  Not even when two bums invest 50/50 in a new shopping cart.  They get the new cart.  Bum A goes to sleep that night happy, only to find out that sonofabitch Roscoe stole off in the middle of the night with the shopping cart and all my the Bum A's belongings, including his favorite stick and half a melted creamsickle.  Bums never lose humor.  Ever.  And humor is classy (at least that's what we keep telling ourselves at this blog).

5) Bums make us feel better about ourselves.

One encounter with a bum will make you say "Damn, things could be worse."  That, or "God damn you Roscoe, where's my fucking creamsickle?"  Making people feel better about themselves is classy.

Fuck Roscoe.

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