Tuesday, June 24, 2008

Good thing this is not Europe (part I)

After being called out yet again by the sweet tat blogmaster himself, I have decided to post a two-parter of why I'm glad that America isn't Europe.

The reason why I'm glad Amurica isn't Europe has nothing to do with economics or global policy. It has to do with culture. And people complain about how Americans have no culture. This isn't true. Hollywood rocks, cowboys rock, cheap and terrible beer rocks, Evangelicals rock, but most importantly, American music rocks. Eurotrash techno and clubbing music might be popular with some Americans, mostly losers (see The Captain's music collection for clarification), but overall European music sucks. This being said, the UK is not part of Europe. The worst part of European music is that everyone once in a while, a song or band leaks its way to mainstream America.

One country that is particularly adept at spreading their filth to America is Sweden.

Don't be fooled by this country's universal health care, free education, beautiful landscapes, and ridiculously hot and easy women. Sweden is a cesspool for horrible music.

There are no less that four Swedish bands that made it big on the American music charts. Not one was a good or even talented band.

Think back to the year of 1986. Now think of the big hair bands that all sucked. Now think of a one hit wonder that any frat boy has on his iPod trying to seem cool and nostalgic. Odds are you might have thought of, or be listening to, Europe and their lame ass song, The Final Countdown. Sorry folks, that is an awful song and is from Sweden.

The next one hit wonder from Sweden that infected our junior high dances paints a bad image for American music. A combination of Eurotrash techno with wannabe country music. That's right Rednex's Cotton-Eyed Joe. This song is awful for two reasons. First, it paints a bad image for an already laughed at Americana music, country. The world hates country, most of America loves country. Secondly, it just sucks. The chorus is where did you come from, where did you go, where did you come from Cotton-Eyed Joe? I hope there is a ludafisk-eyed Olaf in Sweden who can't see the beauty of his country and their women. Fuck you Rednex.

The next two are Swedish bands that are undermining American music. The first is a band that some people love, most likely New Yorkers. The have a museum designated for them and now have their own musical, Mama Mia!. The only good thing this band has done has been used to answer crossword puzzles. I am referring to the Swedish band of ABBA. That's right. The super successful band that your parents listen to is a god awful Swedish supergroup. They brought hits like Money, Money, Money and Dancing Queen. If you want to hear these songs, The Captain has them on loop in his room for when the ladies come by. Well, ABBA sucks.

The last and final Swedish band ruining American music was huge in elementary school and several readers (posters) probably own this album still. Not me, I never did. I am referring to the mid 90's super group of Ace of Base. All that she wants is to see the sign. Well Ace of Base is complete and utter horse shit. Fuck you Sweden and your shitty music and your beautiful and easy women.

And if anyone doesn't believe me that Sweden sucks, read a history book and find out their involvement in World War II. Oh wait, they remained neutral and actually let the Germans help invade Norway and then traded steel with them to help make battleships. To hell with you and your women Sweden.

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