Wednesday, June 4, 2008

Commander Flex Plexico's Mustache of the Week (6/2): NBA Finals Edition

Hello gentle readers.  I'm going to venture into a subject I'm not all that familiar with in today's mustache of the week: the baskets-balls.  Now, don't get me wrong, I've been known to "shoot-the-hoop," as the kids say nowadays, its just that I tend to stick to more manly sporting activities (i.e. hump-catting, bear-blasting, and the like).  But, if you're like me, with functioning eyes, ears, and maybe even sense of smell, you've been inundated with nothing but stories about the upcoming Boston Celtics - Los Angeles Lakers NBA final.  

In my opinion, the frequency of this series makes it old news.  The NBA could have remedied this, and beefed up the game a little, by simply taking the advice I've been sending them in my letters, starting back in 1976 . . . BASKETS-BALLS TO THE DEATH!!  Apparently, however, my suggestions are "dubious at best," and further communications on my part will result in "prosecution to the fullest extent of the law."  Sounds like a whimpering cry for help from a second tier sport, if you ask me.

But I digress.  Back to the matter at hand.  Based solely on the badassitude of the mustaches of those associated with these teams, I, Commander Flex Plexico, will tell you, the significantly less attractive, in deep sports gambling debt, parent's basement living in, mail order bride having, meth addicted reader, who will win the series.  Lets get started.

First, the Lakers:
Phil Jackson: Coach
You remember the ending of Pee Wee's Big Adventure, where they make a movie out of Pee Wee's
 exploits to find his bike??  Jackson looks like the manned up actor they chose to play Pee Wee.  Double points!! 

Kurt Rambis: some guy that used to be on the Lakers
+500 points for the rapist glasses and the "I'm gonna gitcha, boy" tongue

Pau Gasol: Current Laker
+1 million points for looking remarkably similar to one of the bloggers here at JRSSOI

Now, the Celtics:

Larry Bird: the reason why short, white guys  go to the rec and get embarrassed
As you can see, Bird's mustache is elusive.  This painting was the only still frame
evidence I could find, and you still have to look closely.  Turns out, the sweetness of the 'stache
immediately disintegrates cameras.  The individual who painted this picture died directly after brushing
the mustache on (they painted the rest of the picture first, wisely) of natural causes (in this case, natural = spontaneous
 combustion of eyeballs followed by jaw falling off)
+ 10 billion points (x2 bonus for the golden power mullet accentuation) 
Insano, you could pull this off, get to work!!

The Boston Three Party: The only reason why anyone from New England will shut up about the Red Sox for 30 seconds (Fair Weather TO THE MAX!!)
-200 points, I'm seeing very little mustache action from Alvin, Simon, and Theodore, here

So, for those of you keeping track at home, that puts the final score at 1,000,500ish for the Lakers, 9,999,999,800 for the Celtics.  But, if we think about the general population of these cities, who do you think has more gentlemen with douchey little lip accents, drinking high priced coffee-esque drinks??  That's right, LA!!  Bostonians wear their stately chinstraps, manly, yes, but paltry in comparison to the mighty douchestache.  Given this, and the fact that New England, Boston maine-ly (get it!?!?),  can go to Hell, the Lakers win!!!

CFP's Prediction: Lakers in four, outscoring the Celts 600-47 in the series.  Suck a dry one, Boston!!

. . . . wait just one goddamn second!!  Ajahn, I understand what you're trying to get at, the futility of the search for peace, yadda yadda yadda, but are you telling me that when my heart is ready, a fuckin' turtle with a fuckin' mustache will come and find me??  Sweet sassy molassy, I can't wait!!



I'm Ron Burgundy? said...

Now that I think about it, Chet does look like Euro-trash. Get him some Bono sunglasses and an unbuttoned shirt and he's good to go.

Chet said...

I could get some sweet techno from his Royal Gingerness, Capt. Insano, to top it all off. Yes, I rather like this idea.....