Wednesday, June 11, 2008

Commander Flex Plexico's Mustache of the Week (6/9): U.S. Open Edition

I've been getting some requests from my fellow bloggers to keep up with current mustache related events.  So, in line with the times, today's blog will feature notable mustaches of the PGA Tour, in honor of the U.S. Open.

From the Mustache Open, keep up the good work, boys

If any of our readers have played EA's Tiger Woods golf games, our first mustachioed face might be one they know better than they may believe.  Gary McCord, golf commentator, easily the best mustache in all of golf, and master of the obvious (Yes, Gary!! Thank you for pointing out that I should avoid hitting 4 shots in a row into the water on the 17th at Sawgrass, I was unaware).  In all fairness, Mr. McCord might not even still be doing the in-game play-by-play, the last few installments I've turned off the commentators before I even began playing; the pros don't have to put up with his shit, so neither do I. 

Gary McCord: The John Madden of Golf

Next is an elusive beast: the victorious golf mustache, shown in prime form.  That's Corey Pavin, and that is Corey Pavin's mustache claiming it's prize.  As you will see, the success rate for golfing mustaches is remarkably low.

Pavin's mustache can only be appeased with large cups . . . . large cups and blood

If we look at any of the truly great golfers (Nicholas, Palmer, Player, Woods, etc.), we notice an inverse correlation between mustached-ness and goodness.  These boys are as smooth as the day they popped out.  Now, if we've learned anything from my mindless ramblings, which I really pray you haven't, greatness in sport is achieved through mustaches, so if greatness in golf is achieved sans mustache, then, via the transitive property, golf =/= sport, literally, golf is 1/sport.

Next we can see . . . . OH WHAT THE FUCK!!!  Honestly, readers, I don't give a shit about this.  If you've gathered anything from my previous postings, watching / following professional golf is low on my sports priorities.  Maybe if these pansies carried their own bags, didn't make millions of dollars, or didn't bang their egregiously hot wives so much, they might have the time to take up a real sport, like Gloucestershire Cheese Rolling.  That motherfucker is a champion amongst men, and he gets a cheese wheel, so everyone wins.  

Look at this next guy, Miguel Angel Jimenez.  Perhaps it's the soul-glowed ginger perm talking, but this guy reminds me of Captain Insano, circa 1976, with just a hint of Nicholas Cage smile (look closely). 

"I'm looking for a treasure map on the back of the Declaration of Independence . . . . in 1976" 

This next gentleman might be the best known mustache in golf, Craig Stadler, aptly named "The Walrus," most likely due to his penchant for dinning on penguins mid round.  Seriously golf . . . SERIOUSLY?!?!
He is the Walrus . . .

Now, to be frank with you readers, this post has been stewing since Tiger Woods made his infamous (at least, in my eyes) comments a week or so ago, questioning whether anyone still pays attention to hockey, namely the Stanley Cup Fucking Finals.  I'm not gonna stand here on my e-soapbox and scream about how NHL viewership is up by X% over the last 3 year period, or how golf's target demographic is the same as "Oops, I Crapped My Pants," even though this being the American Internet, I have every right, neigh, duty to do just that.  I'm just going to say, why start shit, Tiger?  Hell, I enjoy playing golf, as do many other hockey players, and yes, most people would rather race to Boone's Farm than watch an early season NHL game between the Blackhawks and the Blues.  But every other opportunity you've had to take a stand on anything: Fuzzy Zoeller, Rory Sabatini, that chick and her lynching comments, you've dodged like Peter LeFleur.  But you're going to kick the NHL when it's down?? (which, in all fairness, is most of the time).  Tiger, being the big deal that you are, and making more money in a day than this blog will be worth if we were to post the cure for the creepin' herp', makes it so that you have nearly limitless influence with your words.  Take a stand against racism, poverty, homelessness, drugs, violence, foreign wars, gingervitis, whatever.  But don't pick on the scrawny ginger of current events that is the NHL.  Because I'm sure you've never done a bag skate, and I know you've never "climbed the mountain" repeatedly, and I'm damn sure you've never held the collective efforts of 22 other guys on your ability to come through when they need you.  Hockey is beautiful, just like golf is in it's own way, so don't be a douche . . . . lest people might learn a thing or two about Tiger Woods . . .
My prediction, Tiger wins, like usual.  This story is getting old, is there anything else on??



I'm Ron Burgundy? said...

One glaring omission sir.

Mario golf.

Walter Sobchak said...


Tiger piss in your cheerios or something?