Lightning Bolt of the Week

If you like Daft Punk, you'll like these videos.

Some people just have way too much time on their hands (give this one a minute to get started)


And who doesn't like scantily clad women

Somebody tell ART

A complete guide to lifting can be found here.

Euro 2008 Final

Germany

vs.


Spain


Spain comes into the Euro 2008 championship game having finally shed the title of biennial first round or quarterfinal flameout and will be looking to add only their second ever major tournament title (Euro ’64).

Currently ranked 4^th in the world by FIFA, Spain features a dynamic attack headed by David Villa and Fernando Torres. Unfortunately for Spain it is looking like Villa will be out for the final with a thigh injury, forcing manager Luiz Aragones to go with a 5 man midfield with Torres as the lone striker. It is highly possible that this 5 man midfield will not slow down the Spanish at all; in fact it may make them better allowing for more time in control of the ball against a tactically sound German squad.

Germany, ranked 5th in the world by FIFA, possesses a championship pedigree and will be seeking their 7^th major tournament title (Euro ’72, ’80, ’96, World Cup ’54, ’74, ’90).

Led by Chelsea midfielder Michael Ballack, the Germans were less than dominant in the group stages finishing second in Group B behind Crotia. The tides sure turned in the quarterfinal when they disposed of tourney favorite Portugal. In the semifinal they got by undermanned Turkey, although it sure seemed to this viewer that the Turks played a far superior game, but since it is the final score that matters Germany gets a shot at the title.

Previous Results:

Germany leads the all time series 8-5-6. Spain won the last meeting in 2003 3-1 at Mallorca.

Prediction:

Based on football: Spain 2-1. Goals from Torres and Fabregas for Spain and Podolski for Germany.

Based on a quick Google image search of their fans:

Art's Flip Out of the Week

Punches cut the air
Furious Russian police
Don't block with your face

IRB's Classy People of the Week: June 26th

Everybody loves music, even if it is shitty Swedish music. Almost everybody loves sports (hell even hippies love frisbee). But when the two mix, that's when things are at their classiest. So this week's classy people of the week are athletes who have music albums (also known as mathletes).

I know what you're thinking - how is this different from a celebrity releasing an album and hoping it does well based on their popularity? Well, to begin with athletes are just cooler. It'd be a hell of a lot more fun to hang out with someone like Jon Daly than Johnny Depp any day of the week. They get paid as much, but they get to play games for a living. The American Dream is playing sports for a living (or inventing something dumb like the drop ceiling) and getting rich. If you have the extra cash laying around, why not make an album?

Here's a few reasons why sports albums are shitclassy:

1) ESPN pushes the fact that they have an album and shove it down our throats - especially if they're from Boston or New York.



Bronson Arroyo plays the guitar. He recorded an album after the Sox won their first recent Series. According to Wikipedia one song on his album was a collaboration with Johnny Damon, Kevin Youkilis, and Lenny Denardo - the fucking Red Sox victory song. Way to cash in on opportunity, douchebag. Nice cornrows by the way. I guess he's going along with the idea that you need to have cornrows to release an album. The precedent has been set in the past, by guys like AI. Cornrows are classy.

2) To be a legit album, you ought to spell your name out as an acronym, like N.E.R.D. or O.A.R.



This is exactly the formula that Kobe (pre-rape) followed to make his album, which featured 50 Cent, Tyra Banks, and Broady Boy. Even more proof that Kobe can't win by himself.

3) You rap about how hard things have been for you (while suspended from your sport)



I know Artest had lots of time on his hands after beating Eminem's ass in the stands in Detroit, but come on - you're a professional athlete, not a rapper. At least he recorded a song about what happened in the Palace. Because we all needed to be reminded of it. Call me when you sell over 400 copies of your album in one week. Making a poor selling album is classy.

4) Your album is in French.



Isn't there some law against French point guards trying to look hard? More on this another day. Tony Parker - reasons the French suck, part 2.

5) One album can't stop you because you're a nonstop rapping machine.




Now Shaq's rapping is awesome, mainly because Shaq is the man. He turns the table on another rapping athlete (and rapist) Kobe Bryant. This happened in the past week and served as my motivation.



You stay Classy Shaq Diesel. Kobe - tell me how my ass taste.

As a side note - Check out Jon Kitna's wikipedia page and pay close attention to his college career. Also worth noting is the fact that he spells his first name without the "H" because he thinks he's too cool for that.

Sweet Berry Wine!

No way Jose am I spitting this stuff out!

Good thing this is not Europe (part I)

After being called out yet again by the sweet tat blogmaster himself, I have decided to post a two-parter of why I'm glad that America isn't Europe.

The reason why I'm glad Amurica isn't Europe has nothing to do with economics or global policy. It has to do with culture. And people complain about how Americans have no culture. This isn't true. Hollywood rocks, cowboys rock, cheap and terrible beer rocks, Evangelicals rock, but most importantly, American music rocks. Eurotrash techno and clubbing music might be popular with some Americans, mostly losers (see The Captain's music collection for clarification), but overall European music sucks. This being said, the UK is not part of Europe. The worst part of European music is that everyone once in a while, a song or band leaks its way to mainstream America.



One country that is particularly adept at spreading their filth to America is Sweden.

Don't be fooled by this country's universal health care, free education, beautiful landscapes, and ridiculously hot and easy women. Sweden is a cesspool for horrible music.

There are no less that four Swedish bands that made it big on the American music charts. Not one was a good or even talented band.

Think back to the year of 1986. Now think of the big hair bands that all sucked. Now think of a one hit wonder that any frat boy has on his iPod trying to seem cool and nostalgic. Odds are you might have thought of, or be listening to, Europe and their lame ass song, The Final Countdown. Sorry folks, that is an awful song and is from Sweden.

The next one hit wonder from Sweden that infected our junior high dances paints a bad image for American music. A combination of Eurotrash techno with wannabe country music. That's right Rednex's Cotton-Eyed Joe. This song is awful for two reasons. First, it paints a bad image for an already laughed at Americana music, country. The world hates country, most of America loves country. Secondly, it just sucks. The chorus is where did you come from, where did you go, where did you come from Cotton-Eyed Joe? I hope there is a ludafisk-eyed Olaf in Sweden who can't see the beauty of his country and their women. Fuck you Rednex.

The next two are Swedish bands that are undermining American music. The first is a band that some people love, most likely New Yorkers. The have a museum designated for them and now have their own musical, Mama Mia!. The only good thing this band has done has been used to answer crossword puzzles. I am referring to the Swedish band of ABBA. That's right. The super successful band that your parents listen to is a god awful Swedish supergroup. They brought hits like Money, Money, Money and Dancing Queen. If you want to hear these songs, The Captain has them on loop in his room for when the ladies come by. Well, ABBA sucks.

The last and final Swedish band ruining American music was huge in elementary school and several readers (posters) probably own this album still. Not me, I never did. I am referring to the mid 90's super group of Ace of Base. All that she wants is to see the sign. Well Ace of Base is complete and utter horse shit. Fuck you Sweden and your shitty music and your beautiful and easy women.

And if anyone doesn't believe me that Sweden sucks, read a history book and find out their involvement in World War II. Oh wait, they remained neutral and actually let the Germans help invade Norway and then traded steel with them to help make battleships. To hell with you and your women Sweden.

Lightning Bolt of the Week

I think I may have reached the end of the interwebs, or life has come full circle, or the ghostbusters have crossed their streams leading to total protonic reversal. Why would I say something like this you ask? The reason is simple - ehow.com (a site about how to do things shockingly enough) now has an article about how to make it rain. Does anyone really need instruction on how to make it rain? And if you are someone going to make it rain, I don't think you're an ehow.com reader.

All you need to do is watch Fat Joe - he'll show you how it's done.


PS - yes, I realize the ehow article is a joke, this post is a joke too - it just isn't funny. Kind of like how Pacman Jones isn't going to be able to play more then 2 games this year b/c he'll go to a strip club and make it rain and the Roger Goodell will kick his ass - literally.

Yes and sir

So I signed off for the weekend, but this made me giggle too much to not post.

Art's Flip Out of the Week

Flying purse of death,
Full of pills and bingo cards,
Oops I crapped my pants.

Really?

I quit watching SportsCenter cause all the hype, sob stories and lack of highlights piss me off. The one day I decide to tune in that is the commercial I see. I know they are courting the NASCAR market, but that was the add? Come on.

If you are in the need get you anti monkey butt power here.


Oh yeah and the anti monkey butt dude looks like he can fit right in as a classy person of the week.

IRB's Classy People of the Week: June 20th

This week's classy people of the week are a group near and dear to my heart: people who can't meet deadlines.

Usually deadlines are set to keep people productive and keep creativity flowing. This is done to get things done. Sometimes deadlines aren't met.

Unofficial deadlines tend to not be met more often than they actually are met (see: blogging).

So this week, I'll highlight a few classy people who can't meet deadlines:

Chet. Has posted about 50% of the time.

Walter. Nearly always posts, although they're usually late.

CFP. Disappeared for about 6 weeks. No post this week.

Myself. Late this week, depressed because of it.

Yea, so I really mailed this one in. At least I made a post.

Happy weekend. Boss is gone, huzzah!

Slip n slide

Walter- As a Met fan, shouldn't you be more embarrassed of your fans chanting "Let's go Rangers" during their game over the weekend?

Lightning Bolt of the Week

As a Met fan - I'm embarrassed. That's about all I can say.



I can understand why Willie got fired - he never got the team to recover from last year's epic collapse - see level II.

The team has vastly underacheived this year with the amount of talent they have - espically considering they have all the key pieces from being one game away from the world series two years ago, and killing everyone last year until the last 3 weeks of the season - and they added Johan Santana - one of the most dominant pitchers in the game. Something had to give here, especially in New York where to media and fan pressure was turned up to high. Fans have been chanting "fire Willie" at Shea.

With all that said - why fire him at 3am, in Los Angeles (errr Anaheim)? It just makes no sense at all - I've never heard of anything like it. It makes my beloved Mets seem like a low-class, low-rent organization. Not only is it just a bad way to do business, it gives the media fodder to run with the crazy way they fired him instead of the reasons why.

Dance of the Week

Short and sweet.  Word of advise:  make sure your spotters actually spot you.

Score = DNQ

Even Sweeter Jesus... bonus golf!!

After a long day that saw Tiger looking rough on the last few holes, he hits this birdie putt to force a playoff with Rocco Mediate, who looked great today, while having the time of his life.



Gotta find a way to sneak to a TV tomorrow afternoon, as the playoff starts at 12 noon EST. Why not play it later so people can watch, and make tons of money in advertisements?

Edit: Yippie! Coverage is live on ESPN and ESPN360

Sweet jesus

If you haven't seen this yet, I can't believe you're reading it here.



Final round tees off at 4:30 Eastern on NBC.

Amazing.

Art's Flip out of the Week

Jail cell smells of sex.
Two men. Ravenous. Grunting.
The blood and sweat mix.

IRB's Classy People of the Week: June 12th

This week's classy people of the week are a group of people that had their prime about 40 years ago but won't go away. Before you get angry and tell me that we still need people fighting for civil rights, hold your horses. I'm talking about hippies. Hippies are quite dirtyclassy, and I think I'll convince you in the next few paragraphs.

Here are some reasons hippies are classy:

1) Tie-dye



Now I enjoy a psychedelic t-shirt as much as the next person. However, hippies take the shit to a "high"er level. And we all know that nothing matches a tie-dye shirt better than a headband.

2) Not showering



Now I understand that we should conserve resources. That's why I drive 20 mph on the highway and I reuse condoms. However, personal hygiene is extraordinarily important in today's society, even if you do want to work at Ben and Jerry's.

3) Driving across the country in a psychedelic van



Nothing is better than a spiritual quest. Especially when you cram in a bus with a bunch of other people who don't shower and trip balls for 2 straight weeks, which leads me to...

4) Drugs



Hippies love to expand their thoughts, possibly trying to come up with words for new colors, or new words for colors that already exist. Typical drugs ingested include weed, acid, and mushrooms. There is a direct correlation between drug intake and grunginess.

5) Protests



By protesting, hippies have a way of annoying the rest of the world when they aren't eating vegetarian burritos. When combined with working to stop drug bans, hippies are at their happiest. If not protesting for drugs, hippies will protest war so that they can have a love-in.

6) Not shaving



Hippies love beards. She-hippies love pit hair.

At the end of the day I have to say all these things make hippies seem quite classy. It also seems Chet may be a hippie.

What do you think?

Why we love Jim Mora

I can never get enough of these clips. Luckily someone on youtube took the time to roll all of rants into one video.

Enjoy

Commander Flex Plexico's Mustache of the Week (6/9): U.S. Open Edition

I've been getting some requests from my fellow bloggers to keep up with current mustache related events.  So, in line with the times, today's blog will feature notable mustaches of the PGA Tour, in honor of the U.S. Open.

From the Mustache Open, keep up the good work, boys

If any of our readers have played EA's Tiger Woods golf games, our first mustachioed face might be one they know better than they may believe.  Gary McCord, golf commentator, easily the best mustache in all of golf, and master of the obvious (Yes, Gary!! Thank you for pointing out that I should avoid hitting 4 shots in a row into the water on the 17th at Sawgrass, I was unaware).  In all fairness, Mr. McCord might not even still be doing the in-game play-by-play, the last few installments I've turned off the commentators before I even began playing; the pros don't have to put up with his shit, so neither do I. 

Gary McCord: The John Madden of Golf

Next is an elusive beast: the victorious golf mustache, shown in prime form.  That's Corey Pavin, and that is Corey Pavin's mustache claiming it's prize.  As you will see, the success rate for golfing mustaches is remarkably low.

Pavin's mustache can only be appeased with large cups . . . . large cups and blood

If we look at any of the truly great golfers (Nicholas, Palmer, Player, Woods, etc.), we notice an inverse correlation between mustached-ness and goodness.  These boys are as smooth as the day they popped out.  Now, if we've learned anything from my mindless ramblings, which I really pray you haven't, greatness in sport is achieved through mustaches, so if greatness in golf is achieved sans mustache, then, via the transitive property, golf =/= sport, literally, golf is 1/sport.

Next we can see . . . . OH WHAT THE FUCK!!!  Honestly, readers, I don't give a shit about this.  If you've gathered anything from my previous postings, watching / following professional golf is low on my sports priorities.  Maybe if these pansies carried their own bags, didn't make millions of dollars, or didn't bang their egregiously hot wives so much, they might have the time to take up a real sport, like Gloucestershire Cheese Rolling.  That motherfucker is a champion amongst men, and he gets a cheese wheel, so everyone wins.  

Look at this next guy, Miguel Angel Jimenez.  Perhaps it's the soul-glowed ginger perm talking, but this guy reminds me of Captain Insano, circa 1976, with just a hint of Nicholas Cage smile (look closely). 

"I'm looking for a treasure map on the back of the Declaration of Independence . . . . in 1976" 

This next gentleman might be the best known mustache in golf, Craig Stadler, aptly named "The Walrus," most likely due to his penchant for dinning on penguins mid round.  Seriously golf . . . SERIOUSLY?!?!

He is the Walrus . . .

Now, to be frank with you readers, this post has been stewing since Tiger Woods made his infamous (at least, in my eyes) comments a week or so ago, questioning whether anyone still pays attention to hockey, namely the Stanley Cup Fucking Finals.  I'm not gonna stand here on my e-soapbox and scream about how NHL viewership is up by X% over the last 3 year period, or how golf's target demographic is the same as "Oops, I Crapped My Pants," even though this being the American Internet, I have every right, neigh, duty to do just that.  I'm just going to say, why start shit, Tiger?  Hell, I enjoy playing golf, as do many other hockey players, and yes, most people would rather race to Boone's Farm than watch an early season NHL game between the Blackhawks and the Blues.  But every other opportunity you've had to take a stand on anything: Fuzzy Zoeller, Rory Sabatini, that chick and her lynching comments, you've dodged like Peter LeFleur.  But you're going to kick the NHL when it's down?? (which, in all fairness, is most of the time).  Tiger, being the big deal that you are, and making more money in a day than this blog will be worth if we were to post the cure for the creepin' herp', makes it so that you have nearly limitless influence with your words.  Take a stand against racism, poverty, homelessness, drugs, violence, foreign wars, gingervitis, whatever.  But don't pick on the scrawny ginger of current events that is the NHL.  Because I'm sure you've never done a bag skate, and I know you've never "climbed the mountain" repeatedly, and I'm damn sure you've never held the collective efforts of 22 other guys on your ability to come through when they need you.  Hockey is beautiful, just like golf is in it's own way, so don't be a douche . . . . lest people might learn a thing or two about Tiger Woods . . .

My prediction, Tiger wins, like usual.  This story is getting old, is there anything else on??

-Flex

Reasons the French suck, Part I

Frédéric Weis. Drafted in 1999 by the New York Knickerbockers with the 15th overall pick. Did not sign, now cowering somewhere in the Iberian Peninsula, which is hard to do when you're 7' 2". That may be his official height, but he plays as tall as a 5 foot ginger. Even has a fruity name with all those accent marks. Isn't it impossible to have 2 accents in one word? (Piss off English majors, that's my thorough understanding of our language)

Why is he the first reason France sucks?



Because of that.

The French suck.

Dance of the Week

Original skit (8/10 for disco moves and head bobbing)

Remix (10/10 for best dance to this song before the song was ever created)

Male gymnasts aren't just gay

They're also uncoordinated.

If you take Captain Insano into account, they're also not flexible.

Nut Shot Hall of Fame Nominee

Saw this over at With Leather




I only have one question. How the hell is he walking?

Euro 2008 Preview (Part IX)

And now for the finale...


Italy



Looks like a boot, probably smells like feet.




Holy fuck your tower is going to fall over.



Wife of goalie, captain, and lucky son of a bitch Gianluigi Buffon.


Russia



The map of the country is too fucking big to fit in the picture.




When you think of Russia you think of vodka, snow, vodka, communists, snow, smoking hot tennis players, vodka and buildings that look like this. Bet you thought I would have gone for a picture of a tennis player, huh?




Miss Russia 2006, Tatiana Kotova. I love when they bring friends.


That wraps up the preview of Euro 2008. As Ron Burgundy pointed out, it is a shame that England and their far superior WAGs could not qualify for this little shindig. They should be ashamed of themselves for not sharing their wealth with the rest of us.

As far as the football goes ...

I'll take Portugal and the Czech Republic out of Group A. Germany and Croatia out of Group B.
Italy and the eyesore that is the Netherlands out of Group C. Spain and Sweden out of Group D.

To avoid further embarrassment I will pick the quarterfinals after the group stage is over. Oh, and I will get some more girly pics, cause I am quite certain that is the only thing you are reading this for.

Update: Ron Burgundy says I have to pick a winner, so I pick Spain*

*I reserve the right to amend this when Spain chokes and underachieves usual.

It's coming!

The new Iphone is going to be annouced in a little over an hour.

I will be getting one. I wonder if my boss will be signing an expense report?

Euro 2008 Preview (Part VIII)

I was once told "anything in excess is funny" I hope that is true as the preview continues...

Turkey



This is Turkey



It is a nice looking country, unfortunately no nice looking women reside there.



Instead you get a picture of your next thanksgiving dinner (trust me, better looking than the Turkish women I found).


Romania



I know nothing about Romania, if you are interested I am sure Wikipedia can help.



What I wouldn't give to be there instead of a lab that is air conditioned to a balmy 62 degrees.




This is Martina Stella, she has been linked to Romanian striker Adrian Mutu (the dude who owes Chelsea 18 million because he got busted with coke). In Adrian's defense I am sure all of us would go out and get some coke if we had the chance to take if off of that ass.

Euro 2008 Preview (Part VII)

Only 6 countries to go...


Netherlands




All you will ever need to know about the Netherlands is that Amsterdam is located there.




I take that back there are two things you need to know about the Netherlands 1) Amsterdam 2) it is full of dikes. Not those kind, the kind that hold the North Sea back from causing imminent doom and despair.




This is the first football related issue tackled here in the preview, and it only shows up to serve as a warning not to watch the Dutch games if you have a HDTV. The orange in their uniforms is scientifically proven to burn holes in your retina when viewed in HD (Don't say you weren't warned).



This is Rafael van der Vaart's WAG, not bad if you ask me.


Croatia




The home of civil war. At least I think that is their motto, I could be wrong.




If you are not into killing your fellow countryman, Croatia appears to have some pleasant scenery.





Pictured is Thomas Rosicky's wife (all that orange would make you believe her husband was Dutch). Rosicky is injured and unable to play in Euro 2008, but as a consolation he gets to rehab with her.